There’s nothing worse than spotting that ridiculously gorgeous guy from your history class at a party, working your game all night to get him home with you and arriving at that hotly anticipated moment when the clothes begin to fly – just to discover he’s defiled his pristine shoulders with a pint of black ink. Yuck!

I’m not sure how body art came to be so popular, but I feel it’s turning our young, attractive generation into a herd of fucked-up zebras. Rather than loving and cherishing the blessedly beautiful bodies we were born with, people sketch up their skin with hibiscus flowers, dragons or even worse, tribal designs. I don’t know what tribe you’re from, but people in my tribe don’t need tattoos to prove how tough, unique, sexy or rebellious we are.

And then there are those of you who got inked just to be different, to stand out from the crowd. For that, I salute you. Go forth, brave soldier – be different, just like the 20 million other people who have barbed wire around their biceps or butterfly wings peeking out of their butt cracks.

Speaking of butt cracks, why do girls think they need tattoos to highlight the fact that they do indeed have a butt crack? I have one too, but I sure as hell don’t need a tramp stamp to accentuate it. My low-rise hip-huggers can take care of that, thank you very much.

I’ve heard people say that tattoos are addictive – that once you get one, you can’t help but get more. I can relate – I myself am quite a fan of getting pierced. The thing about piercings, though, is that if you get bored with them you can change the color of the jewelry, you can change the style of the jewelry or you can just take the jewelry out. You’re not stuck going through life with a portrait of your dead parakeet spanning your entire abdominal section.

Since so many of you men are entirely preoccupied with sex and how you can get more of it, allow me to fill you in on a personal fetish of mine: Skin. There is nothing sexier than the way a guy’s skin looks and feels. Trust me, the only color your skin needs to be is tan. So throw on your board shorts and get your ass to the beach – that is unless you’ve already ruined the object of my desires with some lame-ass tribal thingy that doesn’t mean anything to anybody.

Daily Nexus news editor Kristina Ackermann has all the elements of true sexiness – complete with a tan, board shorts and an ink-free butt crack.