Throughout time, man has attempted to conquer the elements.
When we were young’uns, we would dash from spa to pool for hours on end trying to reach that perfect equilibrium. In reality, all that accomplished was some hapless tampering with our blood pressure and a deflated ball-sack.
That goofy fucker from “Rookie of the Year” tells Henry that some pitchers like to heat their arms after pitching and some like to put them on ice. His suggestion, and I don’t remember the quote exactly: “Heat, the ice!” Worthy effort, goofy fucker, but, being perhaps the most unscientifically minded person at UCSB, even I know that heating ice will make your quest of conquering of the elements a lesson in futility.
No little kid can do it.
No goofy dude in the movies can do it.
No scientist can do it.
No, my readers, only your humble resident boozehound can neutralize the elements and establish some sort of armistice between ice and fire.
For those of you who have never partaken in this ritual, or those who are just too bashful to admit it, I would like to highly recommend enjoying an ice-cold brew in the shower. In my experience, there is no more ample means of balancing out two opposites than cracking open a few beers in a hot shower.
When the steam swells up inside the shower and condenses all over your can of Coors, it is eerily reminiscent of the can from a commercial. Wait, did I say eerily, I meant, orgasmically.
The heat of the shower does its part to warm you, which is relaxing in its own right, but the true bliss comes when it starts to get hot. With that first healthy swig, you can feel the cold beer flow all the way down your chest.
If your wallet is getting a little bit thin, enjoying a brewski in the shower even has some fiscal benefits. The combination of steam and added coldness can make even your natty light taste a little bit more heavenly than it already does. With natty finally giving everyone a healthy keystone light alternative by making 30 packs, you’d be stupid not to do it.
Had to work most of the night while your roommates were at home getting sloppy?
No problem. Hop in the shower, grab a couple of cold ones and let the catching up begin.
Oh, and there’s practical uses too. When you run out of shampoo or conditioner, like most of us do, you can always sacrifice one of your cans of alcoholic goodness for the benefit of your hygiene. It’s tough for me to suggest expending beer by means other than using it to kill brain cells, but sometimes you have to sack and sacrifice for the good of ass. Since alcohol kills germs and bacteria, just crack open a Budweiser and saturate yourself with it.
You’ve killed the bacteria and in turn have saved yourself a couple sprays of cologne because you can wipe your pimp down all night accompanied by the smell of fresh hops and barley.
Beer’s hygienic benefits extend far beyond those individuals equipped with a shlong between their legs. Thanks to some healthy feminine influence in the Nexus office, I have learned that our chest protruding counterparts also utilize brew for cosmetic purposes. According to a recipe found at www.recipegoldmine.com, “the proteins from the malt and hops in the beer coat the hair and build it up and help repair damage – it leaves the hair with wonderful body.”
The recipe states that you use three-fourths of a cup of cheap beer and one cup of inexpensive shampoo. You then boil the beer until it reduces to one-fourth of a cup and cool the beer. Mix it with the cup of shampoo and you’ve got your cheap brewed alternative to expensive herbal essences. That, and, well, 40 oz. thinks that the smell of beer is hotter on a girl than crazy feminine fragrances anyway. My ridiculously cosmetically talented opinion boss even informed me that The Body Shop even used to sell a “tangerine beer shampoo.”
I am increasingly humbled by these new revelations.
Killing a beer or three in a hot shower is surreal, relaxing and euphoric. And hey, if you’re an alcoholic, maybe you will slam enough beer that, by the time you’re done bathing, your member will look bigger.
Is there anything beer can’t do?
Daily Nexus assistant opinion editor Sean Swaby takes seven showers a day.