Ah, the fresh smell of victory. There’s nothing like waking up to hear “President Bush’s Second Inauguration” on any given news channel. This is the face of democracy.
The Democrats thought they had it. This was going to be a strong victory for Sen. John Kerry to show those stupid, hawkish right-wingers once and for all that their politics don’t belong here in America.
More than 60 million “dumb” voters proved them wrong.
Given the undeniable confidence Democrats had in their chance at victory, it left them with only one appropriate response: to run around the hypothetical forest screaming, “The sky is falling!” Soon enough, liberals around the UCSB campus, as well as around the world, began proclaiming Jan. 20, 2005, as the start of the destruction of mankind. Little do they know that it had already begun on Feb. 22, 1932, the day Sen. Ted Kennedy was born.
When the going gets tough, the Democrats get going – across the borders. Liberals have been flocking to the Canadian immigration website in hopes of leaving the United States for a more peaceful, freer nation. I personally recommend www.albertahomesearch.com, which allows you to find a new place in the comfort of your current American residence. For those of you with an inclination to all that is French, realtor Jean-Claude Rousseau in Montreal claims to have a personalized service second to none and can be contacted toll-free during regular business hours at (877) 656-7427. I have never been such a fan of decreased immigration regulations.
Others choosing to stay in their native land began seeking therapy to deal with their fervent rage and contempt for Bush-supporters and America. The blue states are so “blue” that the American Health Association dubbed “post-election selection trauma” a serious ailment and the Democrats have it bad. Offering hope, America’s favorite musician-turned-loudmouth, Barbra Streisand, tells her fellow Bush-haters, “We must have patience,” because Thomas Jefferson said a long time ago, while referring to somebody else in a completely different situation, that “disasters” like this happen. Villard Books believes it can offer you “salvation” in Gene Stone’s The Bush Survival Bible: 250 Ways to Make It Through the Next Four Years Without Misunderestimating the Dangers Ahead, and Other Subliminable Strategeries. The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) has immediately begun filing a lawsuit against the publishing company for oppressing atheists by referring to the word “Bible” (That’s a joke.). Hopefully this guide will prevent more suicides like that of Andrew Veal, a young man who killed himself with a shotgun over the World Trade Center site because of the election results.
Then, of course, is the claim that liberals have been fronting for years: Americans are stupid. They immediately began plagiarizing London’s Daily Mirror and distributing fictional graphs showing Democratic states possessing higher average IQs, completely ignoring that some of the blue states it ranked highly have some of the lowest ratings nationally in literacy and mathematics. However, while the liberals rant about the stupidity of conservative voters, one must examine just how unintelligible we are when we were able to effectively refute the $2 billion media war’s incessant brainwashing propaganda on President Bush to continue our proud support of him. At least they have the condolences of approximately 75 percent of the global population, which, during a globe-encompassing poll, overwhelmingly supported Kerry in every region of the world except – oh wait, what’s that? The Middle East! How fascinating that the one region that Bush’s administration is “terrorizing” and “destroying” indicated a strong support for his re-election.
So while Streisand, Michael Moore and Henny-Penny run around screaming about the impending doom of the human race, the rest of us – the stupid ones – will enjoy our victory and continue working for the greater good of the nation in these next four years because there isn’t an acorn big enough to stand in our way.
Patrick Callahan is a junior political science major.