It’s that time of year when every knock on the door means that freshmen fresh out of San Nic want to see a real Isla Vista apartment, like it’s some kind of exhibit at the zoo. However, that’s somewhat true. A lot of shit goes on in the dorms and I know all you freshmen see I.V. during party mode, but you don’t know anything about actually living here.

I’m only going to tell you once what really goes on when you rent in I.V., soberly at least. This is what you don’t hear when you get your closest friends together to sign a lease and begin making your first real adult decisions.

Out here, there are an insane amount of I.V. Foot Patrol encounters. Maybe in the dorms you got written up if you were caught drinking. After multiple convictions you had a meeting with the RD, but that’s it. Now add a year to your life and imagine playing beer pong in your friend’s backyard when the I.V. Foot Patrol decides to show up at your drunken gathering. Think they’re going to write you up? If that’s all you had to worry about, life would be amazing. You have to worry about getting a M.I.P. and a hefty fine, followed by an embarrassing letter home and a series of AA meetings. Maybe it’s a little more serious. You’re the guy who’s supplying alcohol to minors – a $3,000 fine. That meeting with the RD isn’t looking so bad now is it?

You thought leaving the dorms would bring more privacy? Shed those illusions right now. If things got a little crazy in the dorms, you could go chill in the lounge. Say you’re watching Internet porn or doing homework in your room when your roommate and her boyfriend mount each other like dogs in heat. You’re trying not to notice when they tell you to get the hell out. Most of the time, you really don’t want to see that, so you’re more than happy to comply. You’d have to actually leave your apartment so you wouldn’t have to hear the noises they’re making. But you remember you pay half of the rent and you don’t feel like getting sexiled today. So you sit there and cock block. They can find somewhere else to get it on; why should it be your problem? Until the next time you want them out, they stay in and you’re the one stuck with blue balls.

Yeah, I.V. is small. Remember the obnoxious jerk who lived at the end of your hall last year? Last summer you thought you’d never see him again and you were loving life — but come move-in time, you see him throwing a Frisbee with his roommates next door. If you’re trying to escape someone in I.V., save yourself the time and live elsewhere.

Thinking about bringing a car? Well, if your roommates don’t claim the parking spot before you, get ready to battle for one every day of your life. If you decide to park your car illegally for the day, prepare to run outside every time you hear a tow truck for fear of it being your car, or laugh at the douche who parked in someone else’s spot.

How about chores? In the dorms you didn’t have a care in the world outside of class. But now you have a kitchen and a toilet that needs paper every couple of weeks. Consider yourself lucky if your building even comes with a washing unit. And in the rare event that it does, get ready to fork out obscene amounts of money for a wash and dry. Don’t expect anyone to mop your floors and wash your dishes after a wild night of partying, or even any night in I.V. for that matter — unless your parents left you a trust fund with pre-signed checks to spend on some Goleta cleaning services.

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade living on Sabado, even on Friday nights, for anything that happened in the dorms. I’m just letting you in on the secrets of renting in I.V. So let me be the first to congratulate you on that new lease and welcome you to Isla Vista — you have three interesting years to look forward to.

Then again, maybe that’s just my apartment.

Daily Nexus staff writer Monique Moyal can’t wait for you to leave so she can watch Internet porn.