Wow, I don’t know about you guys, but every time I see Alec Mouhibian’s name on the opinion page of the Nexus I get excited. There is nothing like some hothead who gets a natural high from making himself sound like a total jackass day in and day out.

See, it’s usually the rest of us who are forced to suffer from the elitist delusions of liberals. I can’t agree more with what he has to say there. Let’s run down what happened while we — Clinton — were in office. Over eight years, we created 22 million new jobs and had the lowest unemployment rate in 30 years, lowest poverty rate in 20 years, higher incomes at all levels, largest budget deficit in American history converted to the largest surplus – $360 billion – and higher stock ownership by families than ever before – according to the Office of Management and Budget. Man, what in the world were we thinking? Those are some out-of-control leftist economic policies. You hit the nail on the head there, slick.

We liberals definitely need to re-evaluate our position, and who better to look to than the man himself, President George W. Bush. Let’s start with domestic policy, since we liberals suck at it so much. Bush has endorsed an amendment to the United States Constitution that defines marriage as being between a man and a woman, which would ban same-sex marriage. That’s a slam dunk! Who would have thought such a decisive position on a completely irrelevant issue could have come from conservatives?

In January of 2003, Bush signed the No Child Left Behind Act, and he has done just that. It’s true that schools were not given the resources to help meet the new standards, and so I guess by not getting ahead you’re not leaving any children behind, but it’s all right; we’ll let it slide for now.

The man has also reduced funding for scientific research. Bush set restrictions on federal funding for stem cell research, ignored a scientific consensus on global warming and hampered cooperation with foreign scientists by deterring immigration and enforcing visa restrictions. I guess we liberal elitists need to realize that when God is on your side, there’s nothing to fear, because all this crap will cure itself. A little bit of praying goes a long way.

I know, I know, we’re fighting a war. We hippies wouldn’t understand that. I’m sure Mouhibian can fall back on that one. I mean, look at the great success in Iraq, for crying out loud. The British can’t control Basra, even though it’s the closest city to the Persian Gulf, and there are two nice oil fields to the west, and a refinery and three export terminals to the south. The Polish can’t control Najaf and barely have a grip on Ad Diwaniyah and Al-Kut. We’ve got Fallujah by the balls. Too bad the insurgents can retreat and regroup in Ramadi, Tikrit, Samarra, Qaim, Kirkuk, Mosul and Tal Afar. Meanwhile the First Cavalry Division is getting smoked day in and day out in the Green Zone by mortar attack (we can’t even control all of Baghdad); the first Marine Expeditionary Force has its hands tied in Falujah and Ramadi in the west; and the First Infantry Division is forced to stand by and help a struggling Kurdish empire in the north. But what do I know, right? I’m just a liberal extremist hippie pulling all this information out of my flowery rear end.

I know what you’re doing right now, Mouhibian. You’re probably reading this article, wagging that tail of yours in between your legs and wondering, if all this were true, why we lost the election. You’re right. I can’t say anything about that. We lost and you won. Life goes on. But instead of coming out against us, as if Barbra Streisand and Alec Baldwin were the freaking ayatollahs of the Democratic Party, you need to go on with life and realize you aren’t coasting along on some sea of gold; Mr. Hankey hit the fan a while ago. You need to realize three things: First, no one cares what Baldwin and Streisand have to say; second, there are zero people who care what you have to say; and third, we liberal, leftist, extremist, out-of-control SOBs aren’t going to sit here and take it.

Have a great day!

Victor Cordes is a sophomore computer science major.