There are so many lost arts in this day and age: the mid-range jump shot, record players and Kurt Russell. So many great things of the past go unnoticed in this day and age.
What I’m really getting at here is the most relevant lost art in Isla Vista – the forgotten practice of shotgunning beer. It’s always such a welcoming sight to see that blissful hole at the bottom of a Natty Light can. That can had such a short but equally wonderful life. That small hole symbolizes a short span of excellence wherein that cheap, shitty beer flowed so smoothly into some kid’s mouth, destroying brain cells and liver alike.
My fondness for shotgunning is not only from the actual act but its superiority over its booze-related counterparts. Shotgunning is so much better than shots. First of all, who likes chasers? We’re UCSB students; we pride ourselves on our ability to be smarter than everyone else while also being far superior as far as boozing goes. So really, do we need chasers? Do you really want to be offered a shot at a party and be like, “Oh wait, can I borrow some OJ, dude?”
For those of us who don’t take chasers, as cool as it looks to take that shot of Jack without a chaser, we are really hurting on the inside.
This is why shotgunning is so much better than shots. Grab a can – since keg cups are nearly extinct thanks to the IVFP’s “Fall Offensive” – pull out your keys, make a hole and go to town. Shotgunning is so much smoother than those gut-wrenching shots of that god-awful Albertsons plastic bottle “distilled vodka.”
And to make even my mom proud – in my opinion, shotgunning even promotes safety… well, compared to shots at least. Shots are deceivingly easy to take. Because it seems like so little fluid, it doesn’t necessarily fill you up. Shotgunning, conversely, fills you up to the point where you have to take some time off before doing the next. Shots take a while to hit you, so those naive freshman girls who don’t think the shot has hit them five minutes after taking it think it’s time for another. Bad call – shotgunning lets you know the effects of the booze because you have to take some time off before the next. This will help you reach that euphoric state so you can go out and enjoy some drunken debauchery rather than hugging the porcelain throne all night. There, I said it – now I get to keep receiving my financial aid checks.
Some of my critics may point to shotgunning’s older and superior rival, the infamous beer bong. On the contrary, shotgunning is even better than beer-bonging. I for one am not a big fan of beer bongs, with “Old School” being the exception. If you fuck up, you either end up with beer all over your face or the scrutiny of every other beer-toting spectator. Shotgunning is the lightweight’s solution to all of his or her beer bong-induced misery.
Fucking up while shotgunning has far weaker consequences than fucking up while beer-bonging. If you can’t finish it, no one will ever even know. Just look up and pretend you took it and make sure you angle the can in your hand correctly to save the remnants of that sweet beechwood-aged cold one – we don’t encourage wasting beer here, we’re all about conservation – and finish it off after your liver has recovered.
Besides, who wants to take the time to build a beer bong anyway? Who wants to foot the bill for that $5 shot glass? Shotgunning is a ready-made good time, no additional supplies necessary.
Despite all of this, I know very few people who enjoy a good shotgunning session. The few times I see those defaced Bud Light cans with that wondrous little hole in the bottom, it evokes a certain nostalgia unparalleled by even my fondest childhood memories.
Shotgunning is a lost art, so this weekend I recommend that all of you go out and rekindle your love for shotgunning – the best method of boozing your life away – if you’re actually into that kind of thing.
Don’t take Daily Nexus Assistant Opinion Editor Sean Swaby seriously – he took 10 beer bongs before writing this column.