Well, Halloween passed once again. All the good girls dressed up like sluts, and the slutty girls dressed up like, well, sluts. Halloween isn’t just an excuse for girls to change into a costume for a night – or weekend. Oh no, it’s much more than that. It’s an excuse for girls to magically change into complete and total whores. The second our little princesses get too old for trick-or-treating or bobbing for apples, they start looking for a treat of a different kind on All Hallows Eve, and though it may still involve bobbing, there are no apples in this little game – just some good, old-fashioned tube steak! Along with the scandalous outfits that females don for the occasion comes an attitude that is one part New Year’s Eve, one part trip to Vegas with some girlfriends and all skankalicious. Well, this article is dedicated to you, slutty nurse, slutty cop or slutty army girl.

Women are unique creatures in the fact that they actually need an excuse in order to lower their standards. Since most guys have consummately bottom-feeding standards to begin with, they are not faced with this same dilemma. For a guy, Halloween simply represents one of the 365 days of the year that he is trying to get laid; the only difference is that he actually gives his favorite pair of Banana Republic jeans a rest and instead breaks out the Huggy Bear bellbottoms that are sitting in the back of his closet just for this occasion. But for a girl, Halloween represents something entirely different – it is a dream come true, a night completely without consequences. It is a night when the skeletons actually stay in the closet, and the ghosts that are reputed to haunt this holiday don’t have to come back to haunt daddy’s little girl when she wakes up naked, sandwiched between Barney Rubble and Eric Cartman. Yes, just as everyone knows that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, it is an unspoken truth that each girl’s inner skank gets a hall pass on Halloween.

This means that a girl’s friends can’t ask her on the morning after Halloween, “Suzy, why did you feel that it would be a good idea to go home with that 400-pound ape last night?” or “Do you feel that perhaps, Heather, it was an error in judgment to allow all three of the Stooges to fill you out like an application?” These questions, which would seem perfectly reasonable on any other day, are taboo at Halloween time. All bets are off. The concupiscence that has been building inside of every girl too concerned with appearances to act on her carnal instincts boils over in one gloriously disgusting night that Caligula himself would be ashamed to be a part of! This all begs the question: Do girls put on their slut costumes for Halloween, or just take off their good girl costumes? Perhaps it is the other 364 days out of the year that you are pretending to be someone that you’re not, and only on Halloween do you get to be who you are – a floozy in a Catwoman outfit.

Now, I know many of you guys out there are wondering, “What are Halloween’s implications for me as a dude?” Well, I have good news, frat brothers: You guys can finally put down the bottle of Rohypnol and actually sleep with someone who isn’t passed out… technically. Halloween is the perfect time for guys to go out and take advantage of the loosened sense of morals that accompanies partygoers of the opposite sex. You’re in costume, they’re in costume – push the envelope. Really try to experiment with something sexually that you know would never fly on a normal night, like a Chili Dog, Boston Hot Plate or the old Rusty Slide Trombone! You guys know what I’m talking about. I mean, hey, the only other time that you might have a chance of sleeping with that hot little piece of ass from your work would be if her birthday happened to be on New Year’s Eve, and she was having a party in Las Vegas, so go for it, pal!

Well kids, there you have it. Oh the glory of Halloween – when girls are sluts, and guys are the same as they always are. It really just doesn’t get much better than this. Just remember guys, try to have your hook-up in the bag before the clock strikes midnight, lest she turn into a pumpkin, and always practice safe sex with these hoes, lest your ding-dong turn into a mangled meat pole. See all you suckers in the trenches … I’ll be the one dressed up like Barney Rubble!

Kevin McFadden is a Santa Barbara resident.