As Patrick Henry once famously declared, “Give me a lap dance, or give me death!” Actually, that was Charlie Sheen a few nights ago in the Champagne Room. But regardless of who said it, the sentiment remains the same. Next to baseball and apple pie, receiving a lap dance is one of America’s grandest pastimes (Insert pie joke here).

What exactly makes lap dances so fabulous? Let’s face it: Grinding with a buck-naked stripper is as close as a pervert can legally get to the forbidden art of hooking (Sparks, Nev., excluded). And although Hamlet once eloquently said, “To grind or not to grind, that is the question,” the real question is, do you know proper lap dance etiquette? As an avid fan of gentlemen’s clubs, g-strings and herpes-infected brass poles, I am here to provide you with a few rules of thumb when bumping uglies with a skanked-out exotic “dancer.”

1) Keep yo’ hands to yo’self!
This is a mistake often made by lap dance amateurs. Just because Emerald or Chiquita are rubbing their bountiful chest pillows all up in your face does not mean that you are allowed to touch their naughty parts. Always keep your hands frozen and at your side. As a dancer once told me at the famous Mitchell Brothers Theater in San Francisco, “If you touch the muff, you’ve had enough!” If your hands do like to wander, you will get well acquainted with the bouncer’s right hook in the parking lot.

2) Keep Conversation to a Minimum.
The last time I was at the Spearmint Rhino, I asked my lap dancer where she was from. Somehow two minutes later, we were talking about global warming and the ozone layer. This obviously killed any chance of raising my flagpole to full staff. My mistake was not keeping the chatter to a minimum. The only things that should be said during a lap dance are “How much?” and “Yo, baby, that was awesome.” If you’re looking for someone to talk to, you should get into phone sex – which, by the way, is stupid.

3) Girls: Help a Brother Out!
Guys, the best advice I can give you is to bring a girl with you to the club. Granted, she must be your kinkiest, skankiest, ho-bag friend, but it will help you out. If a guy goes to a strip club with a lady, the strippers are usually more generous to that guy, because he doesn’t seem like such a huge perv. Although remember, dudes, there is no shame in going to a strip club alone. If going to a gentlemen’s club solo is good enough for Pee Wee Herman, it’s damn good enough for me.

4) Show them your tips!
If a stripper is willing to get all freak-nasty with your sorry ass, the least you can do is leave a generous tip. So, if all of you horny loners need a special friend on a Saturday night, stop by the nearest ATM, then head down to the local strip club. All of your fantasies, actually, will not at all be fulfilled!