You can call it laziness if you like, but it came time for Artsweek to recognize the almighty power of the Top 10 List. Whether it’s memorizing the breakup order in High Fidelity” or religiously cutting and pasting them on Friendster.com, the Top 10 List has become a distinguishing feature of a generation in love with pop culture but entirely void of an attention span capable of reading more then 10 miniscule clumps of words. Thus, the Top 10 List flourishes in a bevy of varieties, whether the old favorite, like “Favorite Albums,” or ones that require a bit more detail, such as, “Top 10 Reasons Janet Jackson’s Breast Has Come To Symbolize the Eventual Downfall of Western Culture.” You get the point. In any case, Artsweek rounded up the troops and asked just about everyone in our collective circles to deliver at least one personalized top 10 for the issue. The result? Well, there are your run-of-the-mill music- and movie-related lists, and plenty that veer toward positively insane (Drew Mackie’s 10 Bad Signs, #7: “Second Set of Genitals Emerge”), so don’t give up until you’ve relished in all the glory of the Artsweek Top 10 List.
by Drew Atkins – Staff Writer, Daily Nexus
Top 10 Things Rappers Have Claimed
10. Pimping is not easy.
9. Ughhhh! Na na na na!
8. They have the skills to pay the bills.
7. People have foolishly forgotten about Dre.
6. More money leads to more problems.
5. They’re pretty good with the womenfolk.
4. The game is to be told, not sold.
3. They can be found in the club, sipping on bub.
2. It’s getting quite hot in here, so it might be a good idea to take off clothes.
1. They like it when you call them Big Poppa.
by Matt Carr – Biko House music coordinator
Top 10 Bands to Fuck to
10. Cheap Trick
9. The Sick Lipstick
8. Felix the Cat Cartoons
6. Cab Calloway
5. Love Lost but Not Forgotten
4. An Albatross
3. The Safari
2. As the Sun Sets
by Steve Aoki – Dim Mak Records
Top 10 Bands of 2004
10. Future Pigeon
8. Lion Fever
7. A Gun Called Tension
6. Dance Disaster Movement
4. Libretto & Lifesavas
3. Das Oath
2. Whirlwind Heat
1. Deep Jail
by Chandler Briggs – KCSB
Top 10 Best DIY Shows in the Past Year
10. Stop It!!, Occam’s Razor, Glass & Ashes @ Biko
9. Kylesa, Iron Lung, Glass & Ashes @ Biko
8. This Is My Fist!, the Abi Yo-Yos, Groundhogs Day @ Pink Mailbox
7. Arabella, Bafabegiya @ Pink Mailbox
6. Rachel Jacobs, Homage to Catalonia, Tiger Lou @ Pink Mailbox
5. Bleeding Kansas, the Great Redneck Hope, Fed By Fiction, Versailles @ Biko
4. Hot Cross, Lickgoldensky, Bleeding Kansas @ Biko
3. Yaphet Kotto, the Plot to Blow Up the Eiffel Tower, Akimbo, Shotgun Wedding @ Hard To Find
2. The One AM Radio, Caldera, Evie @ Pink Mailbox
1. Majority Rule, Circle Takes the Square, Mannequin, Dear Diary I Seem To Be Dead @ Biko
by Travis Hunter – University Editor, Daily Nexus
Top Ten “Chappelle’s Show” Catchphrases
10. “I’m from the streets, bitch!”
9. “Konichiwa, bitches.”
8. “Game… blouses. Bitch.”
7. “Bitches.” (whispered)
6. “Mmmm, mmm, bitch!”
5. “Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?”
4. “What? Yeah!”
3. “Skeet, skeet, skeet.”
2. “I’m rich, be-otch!”
1. “I’m Rick James, bitch.”
by Stephanie Cain – Staff Writer, Daily Nexus
Top 10 Reasons to Hate the Dorms
10. Girls crying, whining, and/or screaming on the phone to their boyfriends at 1 a.m. in the hallway.
9. People who use the study room as a social center at midnight… what happened to studying and quiet hours?
8. The guys who refuse to let you watch your favorite TV show one night a week for one hour while they control the TV the other 167 hours.
7. People who leave their laundry in the washing machine or dryer for hours or days. Even if it’s clean, I still don’t want to touch other people’s underwear.
6. The guy across the quad whose band decides it’s going to practice the same song over and over for hours at the exact time I begin studying for midterms.
5. Having to eat in the dining commons, even if it is Carrillo. It’s still the same food, folks, only the atmosphere is different. The meat still tastes “that bad,” and of course there are no nutrition facts about the turkey pastrami mixture.
4. People who leave for the weekend but forget to turn off their alarm clock so it keeps going and going and going…
3. Vomit all over the bathrooms, urine in the trash cans and smeared toothpaste on the mirror… can’t people control themselves on Saturday night?
2. People who leave huge clumps of hair in the shower and manage to dry off like a dog in the middle of the bathroom so a lake forms on the floor.
1. Roommate sex.
By Je$$e Hoy – Artsweek Writer
Top 10 Favorite Words
9. Beer me!
8. Herpes (That’s the Greek messenger god, right?)
7. What! (Dave Chappelle’s Lil’ Jon)
5. Gesticulate (because it kind of sounds like genitals)
2. Douche (or in any variation: douche bag, douche face or, “Hey, Douche Me!”)
1. Pancakes (plural only)
by Drew Mackie – Opinion Editor, Daily Nexus
Ten Bad Signs
10. Soft, warm feeling in pants
8. “Do you smell gas?”
7. Second set of genitals emerges
6. Your internal monologue starts shouting racial epithets
5. Vultures begin to circle
4. Numerous cop cars pull into your driveway
3. “Huh. Brakes are out.”
2. Wound begins to itch, fill with fluid
1. Moon turns red, disappears
Ten Meaningless Syllables Sung in Pop Music
10. “Mocha chocolata ya ya.”
9. “Uh-huh uh-huh.”
8. “Dee dee dah”
7. “Mmm mmm mmm mmm”
6. “Oh yeah”
5. “Yeah yeah”
4. “Oh oh oh”
3. “Ooh ooh ooh”
2. “La la la”
1. “Hey hey hey”
Ten Alternative Uses for Artsweek
10. Fold into a jaunty hat
9. Tear into pieces and throw as confetti
8. Have a high-fiber snack
7. Soak up spilled urine
6. Disappointing birthday gift
5. Makeshift diapers for baby
4. Wallpaper for that crazy stalker look
3. Play a round of “Count the Commas”
2. Soak up spilled beer
1. Problematic condom
Ten Songs That Tell You to Do a Certain Dance That You Probably Don’t Know How to Do
10. “The Electric Slide”
9. “The Wah-Watusi”
8. “Boot Scootin’ Boogie”
7. “The Twist”
6. “The Time Warp”
5. “The Hand Jive”
4. “The Hustle”
3. “The Bunny Hop”
2. “The Hokey Pokey”
1. “The Locomotion”
Ten Best Princesses
10. Xena, Warrior Princess
9. Princess Diana
8. Princess Zelda
7. Princess Morebuc
6. Princess Buttercup
5. Princess Jasmine
4. Princess Mononoke
3. Princess Leia
2. Princess Toadstool
1. Princess Grace
Ten Peculiar Questions Asked in ’80s Songs
10. “How can we sleep while our beds are burning?” – Midnight Oil, “Beds Are Burning”
9. “Could it be the smog is playing tricks on my eyes, or is a roller skater in some kind of headphone disguise?” – Missing Persons, “Walking in L.A.”
8. “Do I stand in your way or am I the best thing you’ve ever had?” – Pat Benatar, “Love Is a Battlefield”
7. “I wonder who’s watching me now, the IRS?” – Rockwell, “Somebody’s Watching Me”
6. “How does it feel when your heart grows cold?” – New Order, “Blue Monday”
5. “Who’s that gigolo on the street with his hands in his pockets and his crocodile feet?” – Neneh Cherry, “Buffalo Stance”
4. “Will you stand above me, look my way and never love me?” – Simple Minds, “Don’t You (Forget About Me)”
3. “When you say it’s gonna happen now, what exactly do you mean?” – the Smiths, “How Soon Is Now?”
2. “Why can’t I get just one fuck?” – Violent Femmes, “Add It Up”
1. “Should I cool it or should I blow?” – the Clash, “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”
by Brenna Boyce – Assistant Artsweek Editor, Daily Nexus
Top Ten AlbumsYou Should Be Ashamed to Own, Especially if You’re the Editor of Artsweek
10. Ricky Martin – Self-titled
9. Jewel – Spirit
8. Backstreet Boys – Black and Blue
7. Whitney Houston – My Love Is Your Love
6. Gin Blossoms – New Miserable Experience
5. Titanic, A New Musical – Soundtrack
4. Now That’s What I Call Music! – Volume 5
3. Mandy Moore – So Real
2. Will Smith – Greatest Hits
1. Jon Secada – Greatest Hits
by Jessica Jardine – Artsweek Editor, Daily Nexus
Top Ten Reasons You’re A Ridiculous Hipster and You Need to Stop Right Now
10. You actually refer to you and your friends as hipsters.
9. You drink Pabst Blue Ribbon purely because of the killer irony. Get it? It’s cheap beer from the Midwest!
8. You don’t remember what the one corner of your forehead looks like anymore because you’ve had hair swept across it for so long.
7. You’ve said this to yourself: “I will not date boys in bands anymore!” or “I will not make out with weird groupie chicks anymore.”
6. You secretly enjoy shopping at Urban Outfitters but lie and say you got your “Jesus Is My Homeboy” T-shirt at a thrift store in L.A.
5. You read pitchforkmedia.com or spin.com and try to engage other hipsters in conversations about “that new Sub Pop split 7-inch coming out in December” before they beat you to it.
4. Your only friends are only film studies majors, Brooks photo majors or bartenders.
3. You claim to be completely above and beyond the seedy world of Q’s and Sharkeez only to vomit by the dumpster out back of the Sportsman on Thursday night.
2. You refuse to show any of your current friends photos of you beer-bonging at the Dave Matthews Band tailgate party from high school.
1. Three words: MySpace or Friendster?