Father of the Year Imbibes ‘Probably a Six Pack’
Thursday, April 22, 9:07 a.m. – Police received a report that an intoxicated subject, who was allegedly starting fights with passerby, was staggering on the sidewalk next to Mac’s Market.

Officers contacted the 34-year-old man reeking of booze. His eyes were glazed over and he was swaying from side to side to maintain balance. Officers noticed that the man’s pants were hanging down below his waist and, also, that he was not wearing any underwear.

The man told officers he was out in I.V. to party and was very hung over. He said he was trying to find a way home.

When asked about the possibility he was causing a disturbance, the man responded, “those assholes are lying, I had a little to drink, but they started it.”

The man admitted to drinking “probably a six pack.” When asked how he planned to get home, he said he was going to call his mom and see if she would come pick him up.

He then asked the officers if they would take him to the “sobering center,” a request they granted by placing him in handcuffs and transporting him to Santa Barbara County Jail.

Once in custody, the man became agitated and tried to kick a wall. He started yelling that he would lose custody of his baby if he gets arrested again. On the way to Santa Barbara County Jail, he started mumbling and started to cry uncontrollably.

He was housed pending sobriety.

Chariots of Lucky-Not-to-Expire
Saturday, April 24, 11:20 p.m. – Officers patrolling the 6600 block of Sabado Tarde Road observed a 20-year-old man running eastbound alongside a moving car. He grabbed onto the car and continued to run next to it, but as the vehicle accelerated, he tripped, fell and rolled over along the ground.

Officers approached the man, who appeared dazed and confused, but did not have any visible injuries. He refused medical attention, but officers noted he and another man he was with displayed symptoms of intoxication.

Police told the pair they should head home because their intoxicated states put them at risk of injuring themselves or becoming victims of a crime.

Despite having already come close to injuring himself, the man who tripped, fell and rolled on the asphalt said he was not worried. He also claimed to have not consumed any alcohol, but could not account for its odor on his person when quizzed by officers.

The man refused to return home, at which point officers ran his driver’s license through the DMV database, which flagged it as being suspended. Officers seized the license, arrested the man and took him to jail, where he was housed pending sobriety.

American Airlines’ Junior Pilot of the Month
Saturday, April 24, 6:40 p.m. – An employee of Freebirds restaurant on Pardall Road telephoned the I.V. Foot Patrol office to report a 19-year-old man had passed out in the burrito eatery’s bathroom.

When officers arrived, they found the door locked, so they had a restaurant employee open it with a master key. However, the subject was slumped against the door and unconscious, necessitating the use of force by officers to shove the door open.

Police shook the man awake, but he was unable to remember how he got there. However, he was able to admit drinking in the neighborhood of eight beers prior to passing out on the bathroom floor.

Officers arrested the man for public intoxication and transported him to Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed pending sobriety. Police noted the man’s good attitude throughout his drunken tour of the justice system, and expressed their view that his sentence should be reduced as to not jeopardize his chances of becoming a pilot.

Balls Netted After Out of Bounds Play
Saturday, April 24, 1:42 p.m. – Officers patrolling the Inter-Sorority Volleyball Tournament observed a 22-year-old man urinating in the crowd.

As police officers probably shoved each other forward, each begging the other to take this one, the man unzipped his shorts, pulled out his lemonade fire hose, and doused a nearby tree – clearly visible to the public in the street and to the crowd.

Officers grabbed the man and led him away from the crowd, noting that his balance was unsteady and they had to keep a firm grasp to keep him from falling down.

While the man was cooperative, he was unable to form answers to questions posed by officers. Although he kept repeating “why” after each question, the officer was eventually able to determine the man was in town visiting his brother who lives in I.V.

Police were initially going to let the man off with a citation for public urination, but they determined his level of intoxication warranted arrest and a trip to the jail, where he was housed pending sobriety.