Freshman year, back when I was foolish enough to go to frat social events, I saw a disturbing scene at a “heaven and hell”-themed party. A group of my peers were gathered around in one specific room, gawking at two people on a couch. When curiosity got the best of me, I made my way over to discover a girl giving some guy a hand job in the middle of the party. The guy had his eyes closed, his head tilted back and his mouth contorted into a shape that made him look like a perverted clown telling dirty jokes at some seedy open-mic night. I wanted to walk up, give him a quarter, honk his nose and call it a night.
Don’t get me wrong – I am all about sexhibitionism, but hand jobs for an audience of 100-plus cheering college students is a good place to draw the line. So to you I propose a question: Have you ever taken your sexual action outside of the confines of a bedroom without making yourself look like a complete asshole? Trust me, it can be done.
Having sex in public places where there is a possibility of getting caught is risky, but exciting if well executed. Being mindful of a smart location for such behavior is the key. For instance, the police would probably frown on doggie-style in Domino’s Pizza, and copulating among the carrots at the supermarket is not sanitary. Furthermore, if your girlfriend accompanies you as moral support for a colonoscopy, don’t expect to get any oral support in the private waiting room where they seat you. There is nothing sexy about a camera being shoved in your pooper.
Other places exist that aren’t so heavily trafficked or have more sensual settings, like any spot on the miles of beach here in the lovely Santa Barbara area or even certain floors of the library. Once you devise a good plan for a new place to do the fluid-swapping shimmy, you can let the flappin’ and slappin’ begin.
Time is of the essence when you could get caught with your genitals in the cookie jar, so skipping rather intimate foreplay is wise. If you are going to risk an indecent exposure charge or lewd conduct misdemeanor it might as well not be for pre-sex shenanigans. After all, it would be almost painful to explain your arrest on your one phone call from jail with a comment like, “Gee, I was having the time of my life doing some heavy petting when the cops rolled us before we even got to play Poke Me Peter.”
Sex outside of the bedroom is also a way to avoid having people in the room while you are doing it. Moaning and groaning during sex sure makes for a rude awakening to any additional people in the bedroom who aren’t participating. Furthermore, the smell of sex isn’t exactly a pleasant thing to wake up to, especially if you haven’t had any. It’s certainly not like the smell of Grandma’s fresh-baked muffins in the morning – that is, unless Grandma made it a ritual to bone down with Grandpa while baking.
Just brought home your hookup to a room containing two sleeping roommates? Not a problem. Doing it crammed in the back of a Volkswagen bug is uncomfortable but not unheard of. Or even finding a nice nook on your living room couch and spreading the juices of love there would work, if you aren’t worried about your roommates walking in on you.
Spiced-up sex outside of the bedroom in a somewhat covert location is one thing and fluid exchange as the main attraction in the county fair is quite another. Be discreet, be dangerous but don’t overdo it. If you like to live on the edge, hit that shit on a park bench – preferably in a town where the park isn’t home to drunken bums – or try sneaking into a local pool at night and getting more than just wet.
In fact, do it anywhere there’s not an audience, as long as it’s not outside my bedroom window.
Kate Rice is the Daily Nexus sex columnist.