Editor’s Note: This article appeared as part of our April’s Fools issue.

Scandal and intrigue abounded on the Isla Vista social scene this week as Del Playa Drive transformed into its regular sea of three-tiered ruffled miniskirts and platform Rocket Dogs over the weekend. Friday and Saturday nights reaped a particularly gossip-worthy slew of local celebrity sightings as acts of drunken debauchery and sexual deviance could be spotted throughout our very own baby Hollywood.

Tri-Delta socialite Tiffany Loveknockers was seen canoodling with notorious bad boy Biff Bladderson at a Catholic school-themed kegger on the 6500 block of DP. Loveknockers’ basketball-star boyfriend Ken Ballsworthy was mysteriously absent at the party – rumor has it he’s sunning in Cancun – but his ex-girlfriend, amateur porn star Honey Middlesex, was reportedly arrested outside for cocaine possession.

A crowd was gathered on the corner of Trigo and Camino Pescadero roads around freshman best friends Kimmy Rackerlinger and Nikki Wankington making out after an unidentified local resident dared them to. Nearby, a very stoned Brock Studmuggen, Sigma Chi alumnus and famed delinquent, was spotted stumbling down Sabado Tarde Road with Santa Barbara High School senior Elle Cokemonger.

Delta Gamma member Brittany Titterlint, donning Jimmy Choo sandals and a new blonde coif, arrived arm in arm with UC Santa Barbara heartthrob Mitch Mitchman at a cocktail party held at the DG house. Several sources later glimpsed the two looking particularly cozy, presumably on the way to his swanky oceanside Del Playa studio.

Random acts of public sex were scarce this weekend, as the videotape that documented last week’s tryst between senior communication major Pamela Lippinickin and Santa Barbara City College student Randy Hotterpants circulated on the Internet, to the couple’s embarrassment.

All in all, a fairly tame weekend for our little town. We can expect similarly calm nights in the near future if the rumors of a drying Isla Vista ring true. Until then, there is always what happens behind closed doors. But we all know that in good, old I.V., what happens behind them never stays there for long. ‘Til next week and ta-ta for now!