Editor’s Note: This article appeared as part of our April’s Fools issue.

I am writing in response to Teresa Kugelstein’s recent opinion article, in which she called ducks “the most hateful of all waterfowl” and “web-footed feces machines.” Kugelstein’s words are an outrage to my people. As a duck lover, I demand that the Isla Vista News-Piss print a retraction. I’m all for the First Amendment, but I don’t think newspapers should be able to print things I disagree with,

Furthermore, I object to the News-Piss’ use of the word “feces,” and I would like a retraction printed for this as well. Also, my wife is fat. I blame this paper. Retraction! Also, sometime when I wake up, I have this weird pain in my left shoulder. Please retract this. And you’d better believe I expect a retraction if you print this letter.