Editor’s Note: This article appeared as part of our April’s Fools issue.

Once the site of barbaric and demeaning antics, the old Phi Gamma Delta (FIJI) fraternity house on Embarcadero del Norte now braces for a rebirth, a transformation into something new, something vibrant, something beautiful. This Sunday the house will be rechristened as the Womyn’s Center Artist Commune, haven for creative feminine minds, art gallery and one-stop spot for well-trained pit bulls.

The opening of the Artist Commune represents the future of the Womyn’s Center – both the expansion of the Womyn’s Center into Isla Vista and the adoption of a new name for their organization.

“We decided that the word ‘women’ didn’t really capture what we’re trying to do here, in that it is simply a male word with ‘wo’ attached,” said Susan Law, high priestess of the Womyn’s Studies Dept. “We feel ‘womyn’ fits us better. It has the same pronunciation as both ‘woman’ and ‘women’ but incorporates the letter ‘y’, which is often neglected in its use as a vowel – neglected like the role of empowered women in society.”

After the FIJI fraternity was evicted from the house for its disturbing hazing rituals, the Womyn’s Center quickly snatched up the property to house their more free-spirited and radical members.

“We needed a place where these special ladies and their creativity could be nurtured in a caring and sheltered environment,” Ms. Law said. “The old FIJI house was perfect, both in its size and the opportunity to cleanse the building of its vile history. I can only hope that other fraternities are recognized for the dens of filth they are so we can conquer them as well.”

Because funding for the Womyn’s Center has declined in recent years, the Artist Commune trains pit bulls to make ends meet. Some have questioned their practice of starving the dogs to make them more vicious, but commune dog trainer Betty Huxtable defends her practices.

“Some people, mostly bastard men, say that we’re abusing the dogs by only feeding them once a week and letting them fight amongst themselves for the raw meat we throw them,” Ms. Huxtable said. “I think that’s just typical. I mean, this is the same thing junkyard owners do to their pit bulls. It makes them meaner and better for security. Men are pigs.”

Preparations for Sunday’s grand opening mainly involved removing traces of the former fraternity’s negative masculine energy.

“A negative aura surrounded the building – the screams of a thousand defiled women, the drunken yells of countless male fools,” said Laura Santos, the commune’s spiritual leader. “Using a combination of Wiccan rituals, hand-holding and chanting, we destroyed this aura with our feminine might. Now the building’s energies are as pure as freshly fallen snow.”

Other remnants of the previous tenants were harder to remove. Erin Durst, who was in charge of basement cleaning, said the bloodstains there were especially difficult to get out.

“There was this one room in the basement where I think they flogged pledges with whips,” said Ms. Durst. “I mean, blood was everywhere, even on the ceiling. It took a lot of elbow grease, but I got the walls, like, really, really clean. Then we painted it a pastel blue so it makes you feel all calm and peaceful.”

Also transformed during the cleansing process was the house’s front door, which was removed, ritualistically burned and replaced with a new entrance designed by commune members. The new design resembles a model of the female genitalia with a stern face painted on it.

Even before the grand opening, a strict daily schedule has been put in place that guides the life of every commune member.

“We wake at 9, go to the rec room and have Kegel workouts for an hour straight,” Kristina Hobbit said. “All intercourse is rape, you see, so we must protect ourselves. The strength of our vaginal muscles is as formidable as a hydraulic vise, and they can teach men lessons they will never forget.”

In addition to serving as a home for Womyn’s Center artists and a pit bull kennel, the commune will also function as an art gallery. Many exhibits have already been completed and will be displayed during the grand opening.

“All of us did some artwork for the opening that will blow people’s minds,” painter Elizabeth Hochart said. “I, for one, painted pictures of vaginas. Lots of them. Really colorful ones.”

The kegs obtained for the grand opening ceremonies contain hidden meaning.

“The keg itself is a vastly symbolic and feminine device,” said Laura Fugazi, junior global studies major and resident muse. “Look at the premise behind it. You tap into its essence and draw it out carefully and tenderly. Furthermore, its fillings can make the world a better place for those that choose to responsibly consume them.”

When asked the nature of their organization, commune meditation leader Phyllis Gambles says the commune reflects the “neofeminist spirit of our age”.

“Where in previous decades women have burned bras and fought for rights, our generation has recognized these things as tied to male culture,” Ms. Gambles said. “Who made those bras? Men. Who bought them so they could burn them? Women. Who are they begging for rights? Men. We’ve gone beyond that and have come to understand the sociopolitical implications of our superior feminine nature. We know the threat we represent to the repressive male power structure.”

Asked about the commune’s grander designs, Ms. Gambles said the commune is the microcosm of a future country populated solely by women.

“Look at woman, the connection she has with the universe. Look at our menstrual cycle, how it is tied to the waning of the moon and the movement of the tides,” Ms. Law said. “We intend to build a movement in which we, women, will take over a certain region of the world – a fertile, beautiful region – and live there in harmony with other women. It is a natural evolution for us, since we ourselves are evolution’s greatest triumph.”