Editor’s Note: This article appeared as part of our April’s Fools issue.
A.S. has really done it this time. The University of California’s credit rating has now dropped below even the state of California’s – lower than any individual UCSB student. And this is the UC campus with the highest mean parental income. We here in Santa Barbara all know about rich kids and credit cards: Quite possibly, they will be the end of human civilization.
A.S. agreed to buy a giant statue of a Gaucho from Cal Poly in San Luis Obispo. Now, I think we know how this is going to end up. Not only do we give them $3.7 million for a statue of a Gaucho – I mean, what the hell is a Gaucho, anyway? – but it’s probably going to be full of Cal Poly athletes who will haze our athletes and harass our superior women as soon as they’re on campus.
And they paid for it with an A.S. credit card! Sure, who hasn’t spent $3.7 million here and there on a credit card getting Bentleys, property in Spain and other things; but universities don’t have that kind of money lying around.
This is only one example of the gross irresponsibility demonstrated by A.S. But we don’t feel like telling you about any more of them. Instead, we will end with an anecdote that is less boring and entirely unrelated to anything.
Right before Isla Vista went dry, there was this wicked party on Sabado Tarde. Many beers, a beer bong, other sorts of bongs and a liquor luge. For those who don’t know, a liquor luge is a block of ice with grooves carved into it that you pour liquor into.