Editor’s Note: This article appeared as part of our April’s Fools issue.

“Why are young people so insensitive?” asks longtime News-Piss reader Lammy Granville.

Well, Lammy, probably something to do with budding, not-quite developed nervous systems. Oh wait, you meant socially.

“Today’s youth have no concept of civic responsibility,” Lammy says. “They play loud music no one else wants to hear, they never join rotary clubs anymore, and they don’t pay any attention to their families or other people in the community. Not one young person even showed up to my funeral.”

Well, Lammy, I really sympathize, especially since it was a lovely service. Next time, I’ll be sure to bring the grandkids. Just to note, in lieu of flowers, the family of Lammy Granville requested that donations be made to the Santa Barbara Hospice.

Plover Porn: After hearing about the difficulties the tiny, timid birds have in procreational porking, two warmhearted UCSB students decided to do something about it.

Senior endocrinology major Abel Koch and junior art studio major Randy Johnson decided that all their feathered friends needed was a little inspiration. Koch said the two approached the problem from a personal standpoint.

“We thought long and hard about it, and asked ourselves: What would we do if we were having trouble in the sack – or in this case, on the sand,” he said. “And the answer was obvious: porn.”

The two students made lifelike models of plover paramours, then took photos of them in flagrante delicto. Johnson said they were careful to take photographs of different combinations of male and female plovers in various positions “just in case.”

“After all,” Johnson said, “it may just be that the plovers need to see a little hen-on-hen action or something and never get to. We need to make sure we cover all their bases.”

And the best part is that it’s not just going to be the plovers that will reap the benefits of these students’ labors. Koch said the two were able to draw some of their professors into the project as well.

“The biologists and the sociologists want to get together to do an interspecies study on responses to pornography. So, really, it’s a win-win situation all around.”

After interviewing these admirable young people, this columnist had only one question unanswered: How did they figure out what plover features the other plovers would find sexy?

Calling All Francophones! UCSB’s Students for a Free Quebec will be having a banner-making party tonight in preparation for the rally they plan to hold in the plaza Friday. Meet in the Music Courtyard at 9 and bring all your favorite Celine Dion albums from pre-Las Vegas days of fran