Editor’s Note: This article appeared as part of our April’s Fools issue.
In a stunning turn of events, Santa Barbara City Councilman Brian Barnwell returned to Alisos Street on Monday to seek revenge on the pit bull that caused minor lacerations to his buttocks in mid-February.
The councilman, who spent most of his day looking for trouble in the downtrodden neighborhood, suffered a mental relapse when he saw the ill-fated pit bull nursing her two pups inside a cardboard box. Mr. Barnwell tore the box apart, threw the pups into a nearby storm drain and bit the mother pit bull repeatedly. The dog was taken to Santa Barbara Animal Cottage and treated for puncture wounds to the right rear leg.
The dog’s owner, Fred Cannon, said he was fast asleep on the railroad tracks, minding his own business, when he awoke to his dog’s “blood curdling” howls.
“It was the scariest thing I’ve ever heard in my life,” Mr. Cannon said. “It was almost as scary as the time when I dropped my 40 into the drain during a big storm and had to dive in to get it back. Nobody else was around to help me. It was terrifying.”
Mr. Cannon said the last thing he heard Mr. Barnwell say before he went into his dog-biting frenzy was, “Bark, bark, woof!”
Since the attack on Mr. Cannon’s pit bull, Mr. Barnwell has been spotted biting dogs all over such blighted communities as Santa Barbara’s Eastside and out-of-control party zone Isla Vista. Mr. Barnwell has allegedly bitten 34 other dogs.
“He was unsatisfied with the legal proceedings in the matter, so he took the law into his own hands, or jaws,” said Santa Barbara Sheriff’s Dept. spokesman Sgt. Bruce Krappas. “We have been attempting to contact Barnwell or any of his relations so we can detain him, but we have not yet had any luck.”
Canine-lover Dolores McFarnuple said Mr. Barnwell attacked her Jack Russell terrier in an Isla Vista alley on Wednesday.
“I was walking Fluffy down DP when this crazy guy jumped out from behind a Dumpster,” Ms. McFarnuple said. “He grabbed my poor Fluffy and carried him off in his teeth. The whole time he was barking and growling like a dog. I told him to chill, but he just wouldn’t listen.”
The situation has spurred a movement among the homeless population to clean up Santa Barbara’s city council. Local protesters have posted signs that read, “Beware of Councilman,” around Mr. Barnwell’s home.
“The city needs to start keeping its councilmen clean and safe,” Mr. Cannon said. “By this time next year, my goal is to have all those scumbags collared and licensed.”
In general, city councilmen must be on a leash while in public. Mr. Barnwell was not leashed at the time of the attack.