Editor’s Note: This article appeared as part of our April’s Fools issue.

With all this hubbub about gay marriage, I feel like voicing my opinion. I, for one, wish gays could get married, if only so they’d stop marrying me. As a woman who’s endured four separate husbands dropping the G-bomb on me, I’d hope that legalizing gay unions would keep the pinkos on the other side of the fence, so to speak. Lenny the interior decorator, Felix the jazzercise instructor, Orlando the plumber and now Mike the proctologist – Jesus! Divorce court is like a fucking pride parade! Please, Supreme Court, help me!