The powers that be should change this Valentine’s Day bullshit into “National Get Laid Day.” Think about this for a minute, there are two extreme perspectives about this holiday: one of people who love loving on this one “joyous and special” day of the year. The other is that of people who hate the hearts, hate the commercialism or all together just hate the pressure that Valentine’s Day puts on people to have a partner.
If you love someone, you should be telling them that any and every day without the obligation of spending hundreds of dollars of your hard-earned money once a year on candies and creepy, synthetic-furred bears. If we changed this day to a “get laid day” people would spend a lot more time and a lot less money focusing on fluid exchange instead of mindless consumerism.
Couples would already be set, and it would be easier for both women and men to simply ask for sex on this one day a year nationally dedicated to it. True, there are innumerable sexual harassment laws against such behavior, but I’m not trying to promote harassment. In an ideal world, the nature of such a holiday would be that if a slimy, less-than-desirable co-worker approached you on the matter for instance, you would politely decline without being offended because it’s national hump day.
It would be a great excuse to joke around using those cheesy pick up lines. The more adventurous people could nickname the day “Nice Shoes, Wanna Fuck? Day” or “Hey Baby, Let’s Go Hit that Shit Day.” Watch out though, you may have to draw the line at nicknames such as “Pooper Probe Day” or “Bondage Day.” But who knows, the new holiday could probably loosen up some of the pesky taboos that now surround the subject of sex.
Wouldn’t it be better to live in a world where on one day a year the condom, lube and porn industry boomed? If the campaigns inside Wal-Mart for those items were as intense and lengthy every year as the ones for cupids and candies, perhaps people would even learn to be safer about their actions and actually buy the condoms that inhabit the vast majority of shelves as early as the day after Christmas.
The thought of having sexual devices aplenty in Wal-Marts across America may have you wondering, “What about children and really old people?” I’d say that “National Get Laid Day” would be a perfect opportunity to annually educate children about sex and the proper way to have it safely so they’ll remember the facts when they are ready to have some. Very elderly people could use the day to hold onto their youth as long as possible if they so desire.
All in all, “National Get Laid Day” would be a win-win situation for everyone who chose to participate. Some of you face a bigger challenge getting laid than others, but hey, life is unfair. And some of you who like Valentine’s tradition have probably read this and scoffed at my lack of respect for the “loving” nature of the holiday. Valentine’s Day is about the industry in this country, not love.
To the people who think that it should be converted to “National Get Laid Day,” I simply wish to point out that this year the current holiday falls on a Saturday so there is no excuse why you couldn’t at least try your luck with this new reason to celebrate. Once again, couples have got it made and others only have to make themselves appeal to just one person that day for a fun night ahead – or perhaps appeal to number of people if they are feeling naughty.
My point really comes down to the fact that people shouldn’t take Valentine’s Day so damn seriously. Enjoy your partner if you have one. And scrap this “Singles Awareness Day” bullshit if you don’t. Isn’t the reason why singles feel so bad on Valentines Day is because they are aware that they are single? That doesn’t help anything. Why do you care so much that you are single? You don’t have it branded on your forehead and no one is going to ostracize you for it. Get over yourself and go get your freak on.
Daily Nexus sex columnist Kate Rice has begun designing Wal-Mart’s new “Spread Your Love and Your Legs” line of sex toys.