Believing myself to be an ace political commentator, the following advice could very well make or break Democratic presidential campaigns. If you or someone you know is acquainted with any of the candidates, rush this column to them – stat.

I want to see Bush defeated this fall, the coy smirk wiped off his face, but it’s looking like that little man-monkey is going to get another term. His approval rating is high and there’s a general feeling of indifference toward his possible opponents. Hell, I don’t even like any of them, but I feel obligated to use my keen political intellect to avert this tragedy. My suggestion is that the Democratic candidates start addressing the prime issue of our times: evil.

Where do the Democratic candidates stand on this evil issue? What do they plan to do about evil? How do they plan to vanquish it? I have watched their debates and listened to their radio addresses, and not once have I heard this word uttered. How have they let Bush monopolize this term for the upcoming face-off?

John Ashcroft recently said that even if weapons of mass destruction are never found in Iraq, the war was justified because it eliminated the threat that Saddam Hussein might resort to “evil chemistry and evil biology.” I couldn’t make this up if I tried. This is what the Democrats are up against, and if they don’t change their tune, this is the kind of baby talk that will cost them the election.

Did you know that in a poll given around the start of the Iraqi conflict, over 50 percent of Americans said they thought Hussein was somehow responsible for the 9/11 attacks? Think about those results for a second. That means the majority of Americans believe something even Bush doesn’t have the balls to say outright; thus, the majority of people in this country are imbeciles. There, I said it. The Democrats need to learn to tone things down and speak to the country like the half-wits most of them are.

Bush strategists have long used this tactic. They know most Americans can’t be bothered to even remotely keep up with world affairs when there’s things like J.Lo and Ben Affleck’s relationship to monitor, so they makes things nice and easy to swallow. Good versus evil. Freedom versus oppression. Everything black and white, no grays to be found.

Democratic candidates have been following Howard Dean’s anti-war lead, which is a mistake. Dean has got where he is because of the Internet crowd and the money they’ve given him. That’s what put him on the cover of magazines. Do you think the Internet crowd is going to win him elections? He and the others need to get the idiots on their side if they’re going to get anywhere.

John Kerry voted for the Iraq war and is renowned for the efficiency with which he mowed down evildoers in Vietnam. Wesley Clark was an enthusiastic commentator on the war on CNN and is best known for blowing up evildoers in Kosovo. Why have these two obviously warlike guys flip-flopped and decided they want to look like peaceniks? It’s not believable – more importantly, it’s not good strategy. Americans like destruction. Just look at the video games, movies and television shows most of them watch.

If the candidates were smart, they’d suggest that Bush isn’t doing enough on this whole Evil issue. Why does the Iranian government still exist, they may ask. Why haven’t we cleansed that part of the world with our American goodness, freedom and large explosives? Perhaps we’re being too wishy-washy and need to step things up a notch.

Of course, all of this suggests that Americans are a warlike people, which isn’t completely true. What they are, by and large, is apathetic and bored. The sooner the Democrats shed the wimpy image and start appearing like ideological crusaders, the sooner Americans will decide they’re not so bad after all, though the rest of the world may pay the price.

Drew Atkins is a Daily Nexus staff writer.