It’s a good thing that fuckwad didn’t gank the Friday Daily Nexus. Otherwise, both of our faithful Hot Line readers would miss out on their weekly strip o’ mirth. Wanna help the Nexus find the culprit? This Hot Line writer suggests you question all the hairy-palmed chronic masturbators you know. Since science has long ago proved the link between frequent masturbation and newspaper theft, our guess is that the thief spanks it like it’s going out of style.

The Usual Suspects

Who stole 2,000-plus copies of Wednesday’s Daily Nexus? Hop in the Mystery Machine and help us get to the bottom of this one, gang!

– Someone confused and angered by the three uses of the word “roxx0rs,” perhaps?
– A zebra hater?
– Some religious zealot eager to shield your from the vile smut of Kate Rice’s sex column?
– Infamous thief Carmen Sandiego?
– Greedy paper publishers wanting to silence Daniel Haier’s anti-paper waste column, thereby forcing the Nexus to re-print it and waste more paper?
– The Hamburglar’s cousin, the sneaky Newspaper-glar?
– Somebody who just didn’t want to know the answers to Tuesday’s crossword puzzle?
– Old Man Withers, the guy who runs the haunted amusement park?
– The subjects mocked in Kristina Ackermann’s police blotter?
– Winona Ryder?
– Some misguided fool trying to free the newspapers?

And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids and that e-mail address .