Beer goggles are my favorite party accessory because they compliment almost any outfit. Don’t get me wrong, I am horny all the time, but there is a clear-cut difference between typical me and the penis-hungry booze hound that comes out in me when I party.

Why be too choosy? True, not everyone works that way when it comes to partying but my experience with youth, alcohol and sex has led me to believe that generally both guys and gals get a lot hornier when they drink, or at least a lot more bold. However, sometimes a problem arises when the prospect of a hookup appears to be just around the corner and you find that special someone to sandwich between the sheets for a night of naughty time: Drunk dick.

I bet there are some really macho men out there who scoff at the thought of not being able to rise to the occasion at any given moment. But I know I am not the only person who has experienced this phenomenon or the effects it entails. To the surprise of no one, alcohol and drugs usually tend to dampen the chances of a wild and crazy night of sex in the sack.

For instance, when the potential hookup and I get to our destination and attempt to get hot and heavy, I’ll be rolling around the bed mumbling, “Come on in!” The next thing I know, his penis looks like the trunk of a sad baby elephant or one of those long, phallic clown balloons with all the air deflated from it.

Even better is when Whiskey-dick Will thinks he is hard enough to put on the condom. This usually leads to him giving up only after hurting his unit and bruising his pride.

Despite how awkward such situations can become, some guys will say almost anything at that point to prevent their boats from sinking. After a couple of failed, cumbersome attempts at the deed, they will mutter something like, “I just need you to get me ready a little more, baby.” Get him ready? I’m not a basketball coach, I’m just looking to get a piece. I did not bring him to my little bungalow of love to play with a penis that has the consistency of warm Play-Doh.

The ominous next morning, after my frustration and pity for his embarrassment wear off, a clear question formulates in my mind of whether I am really going to fault the biology of the effects of mind-altering substances on his man-part or fault the both of us for getting ourselves into such a situation in the first place. Is a drunken hookup really worth it for that kind of an outcome? Perhaps it is under the confines of a serious and cozy relationship with someone you truly care about. A lack of sexual gratification for both parties involved in a random roll in the hay, however, may be cause to investigate this subject with closer scrutiny.

Great sex is like the Holy Grail around here and deserves the proper appreciation. It is hard to come by because so many are after it and so few seem to attain it, especially in light of a one-night stand after a few cocktails. Sex is a lot more memorable and bodily-fluid-filled if you are sober enough to feel how fantastic it can be.

If Father Anheuser-Busch is involved, then chances are Mother Nature is going to burst your bubble for a chance at the big O face. But guys are not the only ones who have trouble with stimulation while intoxicated. Females, too, have trouble getting an orgasm after a long night of throwing back a few drinks. Given, many of us girls have difficulty reaching climax as it is, but I digress.

Maybe we should start examining our drunken, horn-dog tendencies and identify what is really important to us sexually. I don’t know about the rest of the public, but slurring, drooling or passing out while fooling around with someone did not make my top 10 list of sexual goals this year.

If we are too drunk to get off, it is possible that having sex is not a smart move for the evening. If you are really into drinking and hooking up, a potentially better investment could be a buzz-and-bone to call it a night. Either way though, whether it be less booze, more ooze or vice versa, no one wins with drunk dick. Think about it.

Daily Nexus sex columnist Kate Rice never wins with drunk dick.