Students of UCSB, I come before you today with intrepid ideas and profound propositions. Gone are the days of the kegger, I say to you – gone, cast into that dark place where such barbaric things of the past go to die. Today, I introduce you to the future of festivities: the milk and cookie party.

Now, I sense your apprehension towards this notion, for I faced the same in my house as well. First, my roommates thought I was kidding and humored me. When they recognized my resolve, they tried to compromise, saying things like “Yeah, milk and cookies… and rum!” or suggesting we spike the milk “Clockwork Orange”-style to get everyone feeling ready for a little of the ultra-violence.

Some just can’t grasp my vision.

To make my case to the skeptics, I pose the following question: What is inebriation? Is it just getting dizzy and saying foolish things, occasionally retiring to nearby bushes or an alley for relief? Or are their other forms of inebriation, forms that float above the others like a radiant angel above a garbage dump?

Now, I should have been clearer in my definition of cookies. There is no place in any party for those cookies with raisins in them or those irritatingly sweet sugar cookies. Chocolate cookies are the only acceptable choice. Chocolate, you see, can cause the brain to produce natural opiates that dull pain and produce euphoric happiness. It contains an amphetaminelike chemical that raises our blood pressure and blood sugars, creating a feeling of brain alertness and well-being. There are also chemicals in chocolate that can simulate the feeling of being “in love” because it quickens your pulse.

But what if you’re the type that’s already getting high on other stuff? Well, studies have found that chocolate slows the destruction of chemicals that activate marijuana’s receptors in the brain, which means that chocolate can preserve a weed high. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

And then there’s milk, chocolate’s beloved companion, the yin to its yang. To tell you the truth, I really don’t have much to say about this product of a cow’s stomach processes. I could get into all the health stuff or say something about how the cow symbolizes fertility in some cultures and tie that into the feelings of love you get from chocolate, but that’s not my style. They complement each other, so let’s leave it at that. God help you if you make use of soy or goat’s milk though.

My costume choice for this weekend played a small part in my formulation of this idea. This year, I will be dressed as Kazakhstan royalty, and like the years before, I will act the part. As a freshman, I was a Beastie Boy from their “Sabotage” video, so I acted like a thuggish cop and chased people. The next year, I was Hugh Hefner, schmoozing with the beautiful people and chasing down bunnies. This Halloween, as Central Asian royalty, I plan to act superior to you. Do you think royalty would drink cheap beer with the rest of you savages? To this notion I scoff and emphatically declare “Nay!”

Many of you will shrug off this sage proposal and go about your usual revelries, taxing your bodies’ tolerance to the limits and sending brain cells into oblivion, but come morning I’ll wager you’ll whistle a different tune. As I skate past the Walkers of Shame and disheveled early risers, bright-eyed and speeding towards a rousing cup of coffee, I expect many to mumble under their breath, “Damn that dapper son of a bitch. I shoulda stuck with the Oreos.”

Daily Nexus staff writer Drew Atkins has yet to feel the bloating of a cookies-and-milk hangover. Oof.