For those of you thinking about being your favorite Isla Vista Foot Patrol officer for Halloween, here are some reasons to reconsider. First, it’s illegal. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s pretend it’s not -just for the sake of argument.
To be an officer for Halloween, you would need to put yourself on a cop diet for at least a month prior to Halloween. Remember, a donut belly is quite distinguishable from the standard I.V. resident’s beer belly.
Once your stomach has reached the appropriate level of protrusion, you still need a uniform. This would be difficult for anyone who does not already work for the police department, or is not highly skilled with a sewing machine.
Alright, so you’ve attained a cop-ish body type and necessary duds; you still have to walk around I.V. dressed as an officer. Remember all the times you or people around you have thought it would be a good idea to verbally or otherwise abuse the officers? That only gets worse on Halloween. Be prepared for projectile loogies, beer, urine, plastic cups and miscellaneous costume props, not to mention 30,000 people telling you to fuck off.
And what of the real officers? Chances are, they won’t find your mimicry too amusing. This brings us back to the first point I made: Impersonating an officer is illegal.
So how can you be a cop for Halloween without having to report to the county jail at the end of the night? Take the I.V. approach to any costume and add the word “sexy.”
For a sexy cop, the possibilities are endless. Guys, find a girl with your waist size and ask to borrow a pair of shorts (think “Reno 911”). Unbutton your shirt to show some chest hair, and you’re good to go. Ladies, no sexy cop would be caught dead in public without a miniskirt and real, working handcuffs (leave the key at home).
Although the sexy cop approach compromises realism, your chances of getting laid will increase dramatically, and it won’t be with your cellmate down at the drunk tank.
Kristina Ackermann is the Daily Nexus county editor.