Bust-enhancing Wonder Bread

Saturday, Oct. 18: 12:44 a.m. – Deputies saw a woman staggering along Del Playa Drive following a group of people. The woman, perhaps deciding that walking was for suckers, sat herself on the bumper of a slow-moving van. She muffed it on the dismount, though, and stumbled into another group of people.

Like the picky Olympic judges they are, the deps stopped her. The judges noticed she was now swaying “in a circular motion,” but cut her short and asked her about the impromptu van portion of her performance.

“I was just kidding around,” she said. “I wanted a ride.”

She also said she was trying to keep up with her friends, whereupon the police pointed out that there was no one to follow, her supposed friends having given her the DP ditch.

“Well,” she said, “then I guess I’ll just cruise around.”

Before she could cruise around, fate reared its ruffled plastic head from her neckline, causing the officers to inquire. In response, the 18-year-old Loyola Marymount student unburdened her bosom of a loaf of bread still in its bag. The deps were about to ask her about this but before they could she produced another two loaves.

“I just really like sandwiches,” Wonder Bread Winona said.

At this point, the officers noticed the front of her pants was bulging in a manner uncommon for a young person of the female persuasion, so they asked her about that. She said she didn’t know what they were talking about. A female dep was induced to perform the search, which revealed not an anatomical anomaly but a can of Budweiser, King of Suspicious Bulges.

“Oh,” Winona said. “That’s my beer.”

It also turned out to be the cause of her minor in possession ticket, a fashionable accessory for a night in the drunk tank, pending sobriety.

Passion’s Tender Tongue

Saturday, Oct. 18: 10:30 p.m. – A public-spirited citizen called the Isla Vista Foot Patrol to let them know about a fluid-spirited citizen in public wearing a red T-shirt who was attempting to woo a young lass with sour words.

When deputies caught up with Sammy the Sweet Talker, he told them his age was first 18, then 19 but he finally proved the old saying correct on his third try with 20. After his display of mathematical prowess, the deps asked him if he had any warrants out for his arrest.

“No,” he said. “I’m white … a U.S. citizen.”

Despite his knowledge of geography, however, he said he did not know the area and had no way to contact his friends. The deps decided to acquaint him with that popular local landmark, the Santa Barbara County Jail.

Once in the jail tour van, Sammy tried to use his silver tongue on a woman in front of him but alas, the steel dividing screen proved mightier and he was unable to lick her.

Finally, he arrived at the tourist Mecca, where he was accommodated pending sobriety.

Looking Out for Number One

Wednesday, Oct. 16: 1:35 a.m. – Two deputies saw a woman walking west along the 6500 block of DP, “holding what appeared to be a bottle, the size and shape of which would be consistent with a bottle containing an alcoholic beverage.” When the woman saw the fuzz, she jogged back toward a party she had just left and ignored the calls of the officers.

The law caught up with Ms. Bottle Rocket and sat her on the curb. After asking her where the bottle was, they noticed she had a large purse, and indeed, there it was.

When the officers asked her age, she said, “23.”

The I.D. in her purse said she was a 20-year-old UCSB student.

About this time the deps noticed Rocket had at some point performed a magic trick common on DP by transforming alcohol in her stomach into urine in her pants. If she said “Abracadabra,” it was lost in the slurry drift of her speech. After the deps helped her to her feet, they asked her how much she’d had to drink.

“Too much,” she said.

In what must have been an unpleasant exercise, the deps searched Rocket’s pockets and found a fake driver’s license that declared her to be 23. When the deps asked her about it, they found she was well past the point of answering questions.

Rocket was taken to the county hoosegow where she was, as the saying goes, housed pending sobriety.

Number One, Number Two

Saturday, Oct. 18: 10:42 p.m. – While out for a stroll along the 6700 block of DP deputies noticed a 19-year-old woman lying in a driveway, fruitlessly trying to vomit. Heaving Beauty had, however, peed in her pants. It complimented her eau de booze fragrance.

Alas for her social graces, she could neither stand nor speak.

The three young ladies present for her performance – friends and well-wishers all -offered to drive her home but had their own alcoholic encumbrances to contend with, not to mention the burden of being underage themselves. (Mystery abounds: If they were arrested or cited, it is a tale not told in the police report.)

The deps decided to end this sidewalk soiree, for Beauty’s safety. They noted that criminals, degenerates and perverts are not noted for their ambition so much as for their preference for the victims chance offers up on its platter and, in this case, pavement equals platter.

Heaving Beauty did not have any identification on her but was later identified through UCSB records. This report does not say where she spent the remainder of her evening, but most likely she was given government-provided lodgings pending sobriety, possibly after a brief visit to an unappreciative emergency room.