Alcohol and the Descent of Man

Friday, Oct. 10, 10:05 p.m. – Officers patrolling the intersection of Seville Road and Camino Pescadero observed a 19-year-old male practicing a strange form of bipedalism. This form involved a lot more sideways swaying, staggering and falling over than the usual upright striding perfected by our ancestral hunters and gatherers.

Officers contacted the man and asked him where he was walking from. “Over there,” was the man’s response, with no corresponding hand motion to qualify his statement. Once transported back to the Isla Vista Foot Patrol station, the man vomited and fell over in the interview room chair, but insisted he was OK and did not have too much to drink.

Given his problems with qualification – and balance, for that matter – it’s not unreasonable to assume he wasn’t including alcohol in the drink category.

After the Slashing, He Rested

Friday, Oct. 10, 5:57 a.m. – Isla Vista Foot Patrol officers received a call that a man was walking down the 6500 block of Sabado Tarde Road and attempting to open car doors. The caller said he saw the man pull a large knife from his pocket and slash the tire of a Chevrolet Tahoe.

Officers located the vandalized SUV, noting that one of its tires had been deflated by a puncture wound. While an officer wrote down the vehicle’s license plate number, he noticed a 19-year-old man slouched on a couch in the driveway of the apartment complex where the vehicle was parked. The man, who appeared to be asleep or passed out as a result of intoxication, was wearing clothing similar to that of the suspect described by the caller. He was clutching a bottle of Smirnoff raspberry vodka and a glass containing a red liquid. There was also a lit cigarette resting on his chest, which was burning through his jacket. Officers attempted to contact the man but he was unresponsive.

They removed the cigarette from his jacket and the other items from his hands, but the man still did not react. The man, who was also in possession of a large steak knife capable of slashing a tire, jolted awake and grabbed the arm of one of the officers when they began to shake him. When officers searched him, they found a variety of other objects in his pockets including a flashlight, a box of mints, eye drops, a butter knife, three lighters, a box of matches, a spoon covered in an unknown residue, a condom, a tire lug nut and some rubber bands.

Huked on Fonix Wurked fur Mee

Saturday, Oct. 11, 11:27 p.m. – Officers patrolling the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive observed an 18-year-old woman staggering and bumping into other pedestrians as she navigated westbound. Perhaps “navigated” is too strong a word. “Stopped and vomited,” yes… that’s better.

When contacted by police and asked her place of residence, the woman answered that she lived in Santa Cruz. Officers asked her if she meant Santa Cruz the city, or the UCSB Santa Cruz Residence Hall. The woman responded, “Yes.” She said she was on her way back to visit friends in Anacapa, because that’s where she lives. When officers reminded her that she had now told them two different places where she lives, the woman replied, “I did?”

When officers reminded the woman that she was traveling in the wrong direction if she was trying to head toward campus, she replied, “I am?” She then claimed to be “fine” because she hadn’t had “that much, it really just hits me.” Despite the volume of her vomit, the woman continued to claim she had only had one drink, but is just cursed with a low tolerance.

She continued trying to prevent her transportation to jail by telling the officers she was fine because she could recite her ABCs. Five attempts later, the officers noted in their report that she could not get past the letter “h.” Losing her battle with the alphabet, the woman begged the police six or seven times not to call her parents, which the officers assured her they wouldn’t do – that’s the university’s job under extended jurisdiction.

Citation To Go

Saturday, Oct. 11, 4:50 p.m. – Several hundred feet from the IVFP headquarters on Pardall Road, officers noticed a woman standing with an open container on the sidewalk in front of Sam’s To Go restaurant. When they approached, police noted her cup was full of beer and she had bloodshot eyes.

The woman said she was doing nothing wrong because she was 21 and just standing and talking with her boyfriend. Things must have been moving a little too fast for her male companion, or perhaps he’s just the smartest boyfriend ever, because he promptly told police that he was not in fact this woman’s boyfriend, and distanced himself from the situation.

When told she was being cited for possession of an open container in public, the woman quickly moved off the sidewalk into the business area of Sam’s To Go. A slick move, but ineffective nonetheless.

When the officer continued to write the citation, the woman hit the officer’s citation book and tried to grab her license back. She then yelled, “This is bullshit,” because she is 21 and can drink anywhere she wants. The officer asked to see her stand without clutching the pillar she was currently leaning against. She let go of the pillar, stumbled and then leaned against it again.

She proceeded to grab the officer’s wrist, resulting in a final warning from the officer that she was getting close to earning a trip to jail rather than just a citation. The woman claimed she was “over it,” but then she continued screaming and yelling. She grabbed the officer’s wrist again, knocking the pen out of his hand. The woman was arrested for public intoxication.