Clarification: The man in “Identity Crisis” provides the false name Koohzad Karimi. He is not to be confused with Purdue alumnus Koohzad Karimi who was not present during the incident.

Lawn Ornament

On Monday, Sept. 15, Isla Vista Foot Patrol officers were called to a residence on the 6700 block of Sueno Road. The resident said there was a man passed out in his backyard.

Upon arrival, the officers observed an 18-year-old man sleeping on his back in the yard. He had vomit on his face and in his hair. The officers had to shake Rip Van Pukey repeatedly before he woke up.

The officers asked Van Pukey if he knew where he was. He said he did not but thought it might be his uncle’s friend’s house. The resident did not know Van Pukey or his uncle and had him removed from the premises.

Curbside Lovin’

On Wednesday, Sept. 17, an officer observed a couple “embracing and kissing” on the curb of the 6600 block of Sueno Road. On the ground next to them were two cups half full of beer. The officer approached the lovebirds for having open containers. They also saw a glass pipe protruding from the 18-year-old woman’s pocket.

The officer asked Sally McStoner to stand up and hand him the pipe. As she stood up, Sally discreetly slid the pipe deeper into her pocket and pulled out her lip gloss instead. The officer asked for the pipe again. This time McStoner handed him her cell phone. Being indisposed to playing games with potheads, the officer informed Sally that he had already seen the pipe. She finally handed over the paraphernalia, which was confiscated as evidence.

Apparently McStoner answers questions as poorly as she follows directions, because when the officer asked where she lived, she told him she “came from that party over there.” The officer repeated the question and Sally told him she lived in Francisco Torres and had only been in Isla Vista for three days.

The officer then asked McStoner who she had just been so intimately embracing. She did not know his name and said she had met him while passing through the gate of the residence while the party was clearing out. The officer reminded Sally that only five minutes had passed since that time.

Identity Crisis

On Friday, Sept. 19, an IVFP officer observed an 18-year-old man sitting on a curb on the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive. The man was wearing a red backpack and holding a can of Natural Light beer.

The officer approached the man for having an open container. He also found nine unopened cans of beer in the backpack, which he opened and poured out. The suspect openly admitted he was 18 but could not provide any identification. He told officers he left his I.D. at his home in Irvine.

The officer asked the suspect to write his name on a piece of paper so he could check the DMV computer for a match. The suspect provided the name “Koohzad Karimi.” Not surprisingly, the computer showed no records for this name.

Koohzad then said he had provided the wrong last name, but then had a revelation and remembered his real last name. He wrote down the last name “Hadjshore” on the piece of paper. This second attempt also failed to produce any positive identification.

Koohzad was arrested for being a minor in possession of alcohol and for providing false identification to an officer. Once in handcuffs, he quickly provided his real name and date of birth, but the officer informed him that this was too little too late.

The One That Got Away

On Friday, Sept. 19, officers on the 6600 block of Sabado Tarde Road observed an 18-year-old man walking unsteadily toward them. He had difficulty maintaining his balance and walked into a parked car, causing him to fall over.

The officers contacted Stumbling Steve and asked him to sit on the curb. Steve’s pants were unzipped, exposing his underwear. Apparently he had been fly fishing for zipper trout, but the fish were undersized and not biting.

Stumbling Steve had no idea where he was, which earned him a free ride to the county jail so he could collect himself.

Nice Guys Finish Last

On Saturday, Sept. 20, officers on the 6700 block of Sabado Tarde Road observed a 19-year-old man swaying severely in the roadway near oncoming traffic. The man was trying to open the doors of parked cars as he walked by. As they approached the suspect, the officers also noticed his clothing was mussed and wet in several areas.

When the officers contacted the handle-grabbing drunkard, he immediately said, “Just take me,” and explained that he was severely intoxicated due to a recent separation from his girlfriend. Despite his honesty, the man was still arrested for public intoxication.