Carport of Love

Friday, May 23, 11:28 p.m.: Officers patrolling the 6600 block of Sabado Tarde Road observed a man standing in a dark carport, with the back of his head visible over a parked car. When officers trained their flashlight beams in his direction, they noticed a 19-year-old woman stand up who had previously been concealed behind the car. The woman appeared to be fastening her pants and belt.

Annoyed by this interruption in her, ahem, performance, the woman shouted “Get off, motherfucker!” at the approaching officer, but it is unclear whether the command was directed at the deputy or at her male friend.

The officer asked the woman if she usually referred to police officers as “motherfuckers,” or if her disrespect was a product of intoxication. “I am intoxicated,” the woman replied, at which point the officer observed the woman’s eyes were red and she was emitting a strong odor of alcohol.

The woman admitted to drinking Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum and proceeded to fall forward into the arms of the officer. She said she was unsure as to why she called the officer a motherfucker, but was sure the actions between her and the male in the carport were consensual, even though she had only met him about two hours prior.

Officers determined her level of intoxication rendered her unable to care for her own safety. She was transported to jail, pending sobriety.


Sunday, May 25, 12:17 a.m.: Officers observed a 19-year-old female leaning against a stop sign with her head down and talking on a cell phone at the corner of Camino Pescadero and Trigo Road. When asked if she was OK, the woman replied yes, and that she was trying to call some friends she had become separated from.

The officer asked the woman to stand up and walk over to him, but she was unable to keep her balance and stumbled forward.

The woman was arrested for public intoxication, but she did not understand that she was being taken to jail. She thought the officer was simply going to take her to her friend’s house. Nothing like a ride in the back of a police car to reinforce basic concepts of law enforcement.

What’s My Age Again?

Monday, May 26, midnight: Officers observed a 22-year-old man – wait for it – walking with “an unsteady gait” outside the Study Hall. Police watched for approximately five minutes as he tried unsuccessfully to unlock his bike while leaning on a pole and the bed of a truck for balance.

When officers approached and began asking hard-hitting questions such as “How old are you?” the man first said he was 18, but then admitted he was 21. Upon examination of his driver’s license, officers determined he was actually 22.

Due to his inability to answer simple questions and his obvious signs of intoxication, the man was – wait for it – arrested and transported to jail, pending sobriety.

– Compiled by Daniel Haier