That Deaf, Dumb and Blind Kid

Friday, May 9, 11:43 p.m.: It was the perfect beginning to a typical weekend in Isla Vista. I.V. Foot Patrol officers on a routine prowl down the 6500 block of Del Playa Drive spotted the night’s first casualty.

The 19-year-old man stumbled out of a party into the street, ricocheting off other partygoers like a pinball. The man had clearly had too much fun that night, and the officers moved in for the kill.

As they approached their prey, the officers sniffed the air for the stench of alcohol and fear. Pinball Tommy, clearly the weakest member of the herd, had difficulty maintaining his balance and became separated from the rest of his kind.

Pinball Tommy was about to fall down in the street, but the officers caught him on his way to the ground. The hunt was a success. Tommy spent the rest of the night in the county jail, twiddling his crazy flipper fingers.


Sunday, May 11, 12:10 a.m.: Encouraged by the success of the earlier hunt, IVFP officers went on the prowl again. They spotted their next victim, an 18-year-old man, on the 6600 block of DP.

This victim was not as lively. He was sitting on a roadside curb, hunched over with his head in his lap. Perhaps he was already wounded from his own beer hunt. Sensing that caution was not critical with this victim, the officers approached their prey and assessed his condition.

Hunching Harry had separated from his herd earlier in the night, and his signs of weakness whet the appetite of the officers. He spoke in a slow, deliberate manner and had difficulty maintaining his balance.

The officers moved in for the kill, arrested Harry for public intoxication and transported him to the county jail.

Cop Meets Cup

Sunday, May 11, 1:23 a.m.: With two successful arrests under their belts, the IVFP officers decided to expand their hunting range. They spotted their next prey on the 6700 block of Sabado Tarde Road.

The 22-year-old man was a fine specimen, stumbling down the roadway holding a cup full of beer. The officers crouched low and stalked their prey down the street, waiting for the perfect moment.

When the victim’s stumble increased to a stagger, the officers made their move. They pounced on the cup carrier and arrested him for public intoxication. The victim’s defense was unintelligible and he smelled strongly of alcohol, which only fueled the hunger of the officers.

The officers clamped down on the suspect with handcuffs and, finding him not too tasty, spit him into the county jail.

– Compiled by Kristina Ackermann