Don’t eat the cheese.
Specifically, don’t eat the Tillamook-brand extra-sharp cheddar currently on sale at Vons.
This is not mere cheese bigotry on my part. Anyone who knows me knows I like cheese. Many of my favorite foods are cheeses. However, this cheese is inferior.
When I ate it, the devil cheddar was freshly unwrapped. Two hours later, it got fresh with me. It had violence in its heart as it did violence to my stomach. I too had violence in my heart as I sat on the toilet clutching a bucket and giving a thunderous double-barreled send off to piss-poor pasteurization.
Wednesday’s forecast: No, I was not sliding into first, thank you very much. That does not begin to describe it.