Don’t eat the cheese.

Specifically, don’t eat the Tillamook-brand extra-sharp cheddar currently on sale at Vons.

This is not mere cheese bigotry on my part. Anyone who knows me knows I like cheese. Many of my favorite foods are cheeses. However, this cheese is inferior.

When I ate it, the devil cheddar was freshly unwrapped. Two hours later, it got fresh with me. It had violence in its heart as it did violence to my stomach. I too had violence in my heart as I sat on the toilet clutching a bucket and giving a thunderous double-barreled send off to piss-poor pasteurization.

Wednesday’s forecast: No, I was not sliding into first, thank you very much. That does not begin to describe it.