The NBA postseason awards amount to giving a bottle of cologne for the Swamp Thing as a housewarming gift.

Sure, the Thing might smell a tad less revolting and it would be a nice touch on the toadstool next to the sewage pipeline. In the end, he’s still a walking, stalking green pile of pond scum.

San Antonio Spurs power forward Tim “Mr. Goody Bar in Two Good Shoes” Duncan won his second straight MVP award on Sunday. He’s one of only eight dudes to win back-to-back MVPs. Then he became one of only six players in the history of the game to earn a spot on the All-NBA First Team in his first six seasons. Not bad.

Duncan brings a solid hook shot, a slick turnaround basket, hands stickier than a frog’s tongue, painfully competent inside maneuvers and a personality that resembles an unsalted cracker found in an astronaut’s knapsack.

The St. Croix, Virgin Islands native is duller than Ben Stein calling roll in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” Duncan has less flamboyancy than Lou Reed’s vocal range in “Walk on the Wild Side.”

The Spurs may have escaped the Los Angeles Lakers in the first game of the Western Conference Semifinals. Just wait til L.A.’s Shaquille “Big Aristotle” O’Neal starts pushing Duncan around like a Raggedy Ann doll in game two. Here’s hoping Duncan brought a box of Kleenex to the locker room and a dictionary of philosophy terms.

Sacramento Kings guard Bobby Jackson won Sixth Man of the Year, Golden State Warriors guard Gilbert Arenas improved more than anybody else, Detroit Pistons center Ben Wallace defended his Defense Player of the Year and Phoenix Suns forward Amare Stoudemire took home top rookie honors.

Do these guys define today’s NBA game? With the exception of the 19-year-old Stoudemire, who enjoyed the strongest rookie season of any player directly removed from high school, nobody comes close.

Jackson is a pipsqueak with a nice shot: He’s a glorified Tony Delk of the Boston Celtics.

Arenas is not bad, but 5’5″ teammate Earl Boykins usually replaced him in the fourth quarter of close games. He’s also part of the bad trend of being a shoot first, pass second point guard.

Wallace has about a one-meter range on his shot, but he’s a bear licking a honeycomb on defense. Stoudemire is ABA legend and leaper Darryl Dawkins reincarnated.

These awards don’t shock anyone or make critics think differently about these players. They just help during contract negotiations and that next shoe deal.

The only postseason recognition that matters is who’s lofting NBA Finals hardware in June.

Nobody forgets a champion.

-Eliav Appelbaum thinks of smog when the word Los Angeles comes up. Lakers will beat San Antonio before bowing down to Sacramento Queens in the Western Finals.