Wednesday April 30, 12:22 a.m.: Isla Vista Foot Patrol officers on the 800 block of Embarcadero del Norte observed a 23-year-old man attempting to wait in line at Freebirds Burritos. The man had difficulty maintaining his balance and was moving in a “slow, lethargic and deliberate manner.”

The officers detained Bovine Bill when he stepped outside. He had food on his upper lip and all over his mouth, likely some chewing cud. Officers also noticed a wet stain near the groin area of his pants. Bill admitted he had urinated on himself earlier that night.

When the officers asked Bovine Bill where he lived, he said the Westwinds Apartments, but provided the wrong address. He later told the officers he lived in Goleta at a completely different address. Bill admitted he had had too much to drink and was quite drunk.

Bovine Bill was arrested for public intoxication and transported to the county jail, where he could no longer be a free-range bovine.

Del Playa or Del Porna?

Sunday May 4, 1:33 a.m.: Isla Vista Foot Patrol Officers patrolling the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive observed what would have been a strange incident had it not occurred on DP.

At the rear of a residence, the officers saw a 19-year-old woman lying on her back with her pants around her ankles. According to the police report for this incident, there was a 19-year-old man lying on top of her “making a thrusting motion” with his body.

Pantyless Patty told the officers she could not remember the name of her thrusting friend, but assured them the sex was consensual.

During questioning, Thrusting Thorton told the officers he did not penetrate Patty because he is impotent. Despite this heartfelt confession, both fornicators were arrested for public intoxication and transported to the county jail.

Try New Pepsi Lager!

Sunday May 4, 1:50 a.m.: An officer on the corner of Sueno Road and Camino Pescadero saw a 22-year-old man walking southbound on Camino Pescadero holding a white keg cup containing what was quite obviously beer. When he saw the officer, the man started walking behind his friend in a futile effort to conceal the cup.

When the officer asked Cup-Carrying Craig why he was walking down the street with a beer in his hand, Craig said he had found the cup on the ground and was looking for a trash can so he could throw it away.

Craig said he was going to his friend’s cousin’s house on the 6500 block of Cordoba Road, where he found the cup. Craig apparently did not realize he was walking in the opposite direction from Cordoba.

When asked what was in the cup, Craig told the officer it was Pepsi with a tan tint to it, because “you never know what these manufacturing companies have been doing with their products.” Craig said he had only been drinking soda that night and his signs of intoxication were due to his elevated caffeine level.

The officer gave Cup-Carrying Craig one last opportunity to tell the truth and asked Craig if he was sure the cup contained soda. Craig said he saw the contents of the cup poured out from a Pepsi bottle at the apartment on Cordoba, contrary to his earlier claim that he had found the cup.

Cup-Carrying Craig was arrested for public intoxication and for having an open container violation and was transported to the county jail.

Geezer Fight

Monday May 5, 5:50 p.m.: Officers responded to a disturbance at Friendship Manor Retirement Community on the 6600 block of El Colegio Road.

Apparently a man had stepped out of the cafeteria line in order to grab a bowl, and returned to his place in line. When another man in line told him to move to the back of the line, he replied by calling him a “stupid asshole.”

Lawrence Line-Monitor then punched Cutting Christopher in the face, knocking him over. Cutting Chris suffered a bump on the head and a fractured hip as a result of his fall.