Editor’s Note: This story appeared as part of an April Fools issue.
TRANSYLVANIA, Romania (AP) — The centennial International Blood Suckers Union (IBSU) vampire convention was held this past weekend to give the undead from all over Europe the chance to congregate and discuss issues of relevance to the vampire community.
IBSU members arrived in Transylvania early Friday morning to check into their coffins and immediately fell into slumber until seminars commenced at 9 p.m. Count Dracula himself presented members with an inspirational speech about how they as a community could take over the world of mortals.
“I vant zoo all to know zat zoo are capable of vringing down zee mortals voo zink zat vee are nozing vut mortal killers,” Dracula said. “Vee are creatures zoo and vee deserve zome respect. Zee mortals zay zat vee are killers, yet vee are merely zirsty.”
The vampires then broke into smaller seminars within the count’s castle. Among the topics discussed at the convention were “How to Eat an Elite,” “Dodging Sunlight” and “Why Are All the Vampires Sitting Together in the Pub?” The Countess Tess Bournjou, of Paris, said she attended the last convention 100 years ago and learned many valuable things from the seminars.
“I alvays aspired to vee a vamous dark hunter in Paris, vut I never had zee technique,” she said. “Vut at zee last centennial convention I gained vuch knowledge avout vaiting vor your victim vefore striking and now I am known as “Tess zee Night Stalker” in my country and zere ees a price on my capture.”
The Sheriff of Hungary has joined other countries that neighbor Romania in accusing Count Dracula’s convention of being responsible for hundreds of deaths along major roads leading to Transylvania. All the victims did indeed appear to be hollow of blood, however no suspects were taken in.
“Every 100 years we forget what death this convention brings,” the Sheriff of Hungary said. “[Dracula] claims that he instructs the International Blood Suckers Union to not prey on their way to the convention, yet peasants and wenches line the major roads leading to the count’s castle.”
Dracula said the Sheriff of Hungary is an example of the clear discrimination that he says exists against the vampire community.
“He zees vodies vith vite marks and points hees mortal vinger at us,” Dracula said. “Vhen my vampires leave zee seminar zey are anxious to practice zeir new learned techniques, zo at zat point zee feeding is out of my control, vut no vampires are killed on zeir vey here.”
Dracula gave closing remarks on Monday night, before the vampires began their travels home. He encouraged the vampires to go forth and breed the younger generation of IBSU members with the knowledge that being a halfling will eventually lead to ruling the mortal world.