Editor’s Note: This story appeared as part of an April Fools issue.
A.S. representatives officially declared their support for Scotland during a towne hall meeting last night, resulting in the first meeting marked by peace and quiet – the sort of peace and quiet that follows mass executions.
Scottish outlaw William Wallace asked A.S. Towne Hall to pass a resolution supporting the movement for Scottish independence during the period of the meeting allotted for public comment.
“I am William Wallace, and I see … my countrymen here in defiance of tyranny. You have come to fight as free [people], and free [people] you are,” Wallace said. “What will you do with that freedom? Will you fight?”
A.S. Towne Hall was initially divided on openly supporting Wallace, who has been declared a traitor by the English government. Off-Fief Representative Jem Young raised concerns about potential consequences.
Young asked for a point of clarification regarding “what the exact penalty for treason is,” but received in response only the faint sound of howling wind and crickets chirping.
Despite Young’s unheeded warnings, many A.S. members spoke in support of Wallace and the resolution.
Representative-at-Large Ferdinand the Cheeky said the resolution is for a good cause.
“The Scottish have been oppressed for years and years,” Ferdinand said. “Oppression is bad.”
After hours of mead- and mutton-fueled deliberation, A.S. Towne Hall unanimously passed the resolution in a bold declaration of support for Scotland.
Ferdinand later read aloud an official writ – as most of the A.S. members are illiterate – from Chancellor Henry VIII, delivered by way of messenger hawk.
“Your actions have proved you all to be traitors to the crown of America and the UCSB Fiefdom, and threats to her sovereignty. Therefore, we the Magistrates of Islavistingham, have declared this to be so: Tomorrow at noon, you shall all be dragged by cart to the towne square, hung at the gallows, and disemboweled before the last breaths escape your bodies. Your entrails shall then be burned while you all remain witness, then your heads shall be removed with much haste,” the statement said.
Equal parts horror, surprise and cursing filled the hall in response to the writ, while Ferdinand finished his narration of the gruesome details.
“After being so drawn, a quartering of each representative shall follow,” the statement said, “and the parts distributed to the whole of Islavistingham for all to see the price of treason.”
Young’s response of “Bloody ‘ell” best summarized the feelings of A.S. Towne Hall.
The executions will take place at noon this Friday in the Islavistingham towne square. Admission is free and attendance is encouraged. A petting zoo and carnival games will be provided for the lads and lasses.