Editor’s Note: This story appeared as part of an April Fools issue.

As dawn cast its splendour across the majestic field of storied Cur Shit Park on the fifth mourn of Shamalamadingdong, archers drew their bows for a chance to sip the spoils of victory from the coveted Lord Stanley’s Golden Grail and lay the Virgin Maiden of Del Playa. Townsfolke from near and far gathered around the very grounds where centuries of archers hath carved their names into history.

The reigning champion and six-time victor, sixth-year senior Sir William of Sabado Tarde, cruised in the opening round of the 16-man event. Armed with the might and fury of his notorious Wonder Bow and the flight and precision of his Golden Arrows, Williams dismantled freshman Arthur the Brute of San Miguel.

The only first-round upset came on a disqualification, as a wicked spell was cast on the fortune of junior Sir John of El Nido. Sir John, a regular in the Golden Grail’s Final Four, shot an arrow that sailed awry, piercing a peasant woman in the jugular and killing the wench after she lost considerable amounts of blood to Mother Nature. Lord Stanley’s Islavistingham Foote Patrol Knights stormed onto the scene instantly, and an unfair and speedy trial was conducted as the rants, raves, and cheers of the echoing crowd demanded the guillotine. In many ways, the beheading turned into a greater spectacle than the archery event itself.

“John had one of the prettiest shots I’ve seen in a long time, but I love a good gruesome dismantling,” long-time Islavistingham resident Sir Giovanni of Pardall said.

Speculation has since surfaced, however, that John’s shot was an accident.

“There was a guy reflecting light off a mirror into my eyes,” pleaded John in the seconds leading up to the dropping of the blade. The authorities refused to comment on the incident and offered another beheading if a scribe or scrivener asked them about it again.

Sir William scored perfect marks in the championship match, hitting the bull’s eye three straight times, sparking a frenzy in the belligerent crowd. After sipping the ecstasy of the Golden Grail, Sir William chose his maiden and settled in for an eventful night of tavern-hopping and maiden-fornicating.