Editor’s Note: This story appeared as part of an April Fools issue.
On Monday, March 31, literally tens of angry nuns marched through the streets of Islavistingham for UCSB’s Purge the Night.
A product of the holy mothers and sisters of UCSB Women’s Center Nunnery, the yearly event attempts to cleanse the fiefdom of sinners, warlocks and the occasional witch. The holy mothers and sisters first organized the event in response to a growing trend of sin and debauchery in Islavistingham.
“We were simply appalled at the lustful fornication and drunken revelry,” Mother Superior Agatha Ackerton said. “Someone had to put a stop to it.”
Mother Superior Ackerton claims that her inspiration for Purge the Night came from a heavenly source.
“I was kneeling in prayer, thanking the Lord for small puppies and butterflies, when I suddenly felt weak and blacked out,” she said. “I dreamt that Jesus handed me a paddle of gold and silver and commanded me to smite the bottoms of those who choose to stray from his path. When I awoke, I knew I had been given a mission.”
Mother Superior Ackerton also holds the vision responsible for Purge the Night’s trademark – the golden and silver paddle.
“I like the paddles – I think they lend a nice touch to the whole event,” Sister Tabitha Mowsling said. “You can get some great speed in your swing if you drill some air holes. The sinners never knew what hit them.”
John Brewer, a resident of Islavistingham, had his bottom paddled late Monday night. “It was a little strange to be bum-rushed by 10 nuns,” Brewer said. “I felt pretty uncomfortable when they pulled down my pants and started paddling me. After a while though, I started to like it.”
The Islavistingham Foote Patrol issued an official press release on Sunday night, stating that any nuns caught paddling would be fined, and possibly thrown in the stocks.
“The paddling has been a growing problem every year,” said Dirk Cunnigham, Knight of the Foote Patrol.
While there were several complaints of paddling Monday night, the Foote Patrol failed to take anyone into custody.
“Those nuns move pretty fast,” Cunningham said.
After starting at the nunnery, the troop of nuns marched through campus, down Pardall Lane and finished in Anna of Sqoyo’s park. The public showed a mixed response to the march, with the majority of women cheering on the nuns while the men fled.
“I think it’s fantastic. I’m tired of living in sin,” said June Gossworth, an Islavistingham resident.
Once in Anna of Sqoyo’s park, the nuns capped off the night with a prayer circle.
“I feel the prayer circle really tied the whole thing together,” Sister Ingnatia Cook said. “We had some really awesome spoken-prayer poets. The worst thing that happened tonight was that I broke my paddle over a warlock’s sinful bottom. I guess I’ll have to get it fixed before next year.”