Don’t Piss Me Off

Friday, Feb. 28, 10:42 p.m.: An officer patrolling the 6700 block of Del Playa Drive observed a 19-year-old man urinating in a public space approximately 100 feet from the edge of a cliff. Concerned that the Pisser might make an unpleasant repetition of history and fall off the cliff, the officer escorted him to the curb and asked him to sit down.

The officer noticed a strong odor of alcohol and the Pisser’s difficulty maintaining his balance. When asked how much he had to drink that night, the Pisser responded in slurred speech “too much,” an assumption the officer had made prior to asking the question.

The Pisser was arrested for public intoxication and transported to the Isla Vista Foot Patrol station. During his interview at the station, the Pisser pissed himself again. Unfortunately, he neglected to unzip his pants prior to the second pissing and left a pool of urine on the floor of the interview room.

Getaway Car Gone Wrong

Friday, Feb. 28, 11:50 p.m.: Officers responded to a possible domestic violence call on the 6500 block of Segovia Road. When they arrived at the residence, a 26-year-old man was leaning on the hood of a vehicle parked in front of the building.

When the officers approached Leaning Lawrence, he lacked basic attention skills and had to think for 10 seconds before being able to spell his last name. When asked how much he had to drink that night, Leaning Lawrence said he had “one beer during dinner.” Apparently Lawrence needs to build up his alcohol tolerance, because the officers determined that he was too drunk to care for his own safety.

One officer got in the car and noticed that the gearshift was in reverse, despite the fact that the car was turned off. The officers determined that Leaning Lawrence had attempted to leave his residence, despite the tragic absence of his keys, and would try so again if he was not arrested.

The Rope, It Burns, It Burns Us!

Saturday, March 1, 2:04 a.m.: During a drunk driving investigation on the 6600 block of DP, a 22-year-old man stumbled toward the officer. When asked to walk around the officer and detained suspects, Frodo Fumbleton made no response and stared at the officer blankly.

After finishing the drunk driving investigation, the officer began to question Frodo Fumbleton. Frodo said he had “too much” to drink that night, a typical characteristic of an I.V. resident who actually initiates a conversation with an officer at 2 a.m. on a Saturday morning.

Young Frodo provided the officer with two different home addresses before finally admitting he could not remember where he lives.

After being arrested for public intoxication, Frodo Fumbleton was transported to the IVFP station. At the station, Frodo became belligerent and had to be hobbled. No, hobbling does not entail slicing the Achilles tendon or amputating a foot, just wrapping a strap around Frodo’s feet so he could not kick the officers.

Picture Perfect

Saturday, March 1, 2:46 a.m.: While on patrol at the corner of Camino Pescadero and Trigo Road, officers observed an 18-year-old man holding a “picture” of beer that was partially full. Since the Nexus was unable to uncover any law against holding a picture of beer, we can only assume the police report for this incident should have said “pitcher” of beer.

Regardless of what he was holding, the officers observed Beer-toting Bobby stagger down Camino Pescadero and jump in front of a moving vehicle. The car had to swerve to avoid hitting Bobby and almost caused an accident with another vehicle on the road.

The officers apprehended Beer-toting Bobby and asked him why he jumped in front of the car. Bobby said he was just “drunk and stupid.”

Gutter Slumber

Monday, March 3, 1:05 p.m.: An officer at the intersection of Camino del Sur and Trigo observed a 37-year-old man passed out in the gutter and drooling on himself. Concerned for the health of Drooling Davey, the officer attempted to wake him up and escort him out of the gutter.

Davey regained consciousness long enough to inform the officer that he was “okay” but would not open his eyes. The officer thought Davey might have fallen due to his twisted position in the gutter, but Davey refused medical attention.

When Davey finally woke up, his speech was thick and slurred and he was unable to maintain his balance when standing. Drooling Davey was arrested for public intoxication and transported to the county jail where he could drool on himself in peace.

– Compiled by Kristina Ackermann