Seventy-four million dollars is a lot of money. The UC system is scrambling right now to slash costs without degrading the quality of students’ education even further. Undergraduates have a substantial tuition increase of $135 coming their way with the regents meeting today and tomorrow to decide if students should pay even more.

While the tuition hikes seem unavoidable, we would like the regents to consider a few other alternatives toward fixing the funding problem.

UCTV should be the first thing to go. This black hole sucks up an atrocious amount of money for a service that most students really don’t pay much attention to.

UCSB’s continuous planting and uprooting of perennial flowers also needs to be halted. The university should instead try nurturing hardier flora, such as ivy or crabgrass. It’s not as pretty, but in hard times, hard decisions need to be made.

These suggestions, while practical, still won’t make up for all the money lost in the cuts.

The best source of income would be the UC Fair, a three-day event where young and old alike gather for a variety of exciting activities. Students would line up to pay three bucks for a chance to dunk Chancellor Yang or taste the savory treats at the regent bake sale. So as not to exclude the cash cow that is America’s youth, Ward Connerly can charge the kiddies a nickel a pop for the chance to swing from his jowls. For a dime the youngsters can have the chance to slap their friends with Ward’s extra flesh.

Universities should also look into corporate sponsorship. Professors can devote the time they use for pointless anecdotes for commercial advertisements.

Picture it: your biology professor pausing to tell you about flavor country or the benefits of Rogaine for men. Trojan could run banners up the length of Storke Tower; the concrete phallus simply screams, “wrap me in rubber.” The condoms on campus should remain free though; any sort of population control helps reduce the strain on overcrowded classrooms.

Students can do their fair share to help out as well. The RecCen can hook up all the treadmills to a generator, reducing the university’s electric bills to a mere pittance. Frat boys and sorority girls can take up UC as another charity, donating ten cents for every beer ingested.

UCSB can put the kiddos at the children’s center to work, digging through couch cushions in the UCen and administrative offices for loose change. Their small, dexterous hands allow for easy access to that quarter lodged in between the stale Fritos and forgotten class notes. We could let them scrounge through Gov. Davis’ home as well; the man is bound to have a loose million floating around somewhere in his nebulous La-Z-Boy.

A scaled tuition system might work as well, with the universities charging more for the more economically sound majors. All those folks in the biology departments are going to be doctors someday, why not ask them to spare a little fiscal security?

Tuition hikes and budget cuts are the easy way out. Money doesn’t grow on trees, but don’t underestimate the selling power of an FT brothel.