Annie’s Big Night Out

Monday, Jan. 6, at 1:12 a.m.: While on patrol, an Isla Vista Foot Patrol officer saw a 21-year-old woman stumbling near the intersection of Embarcadero del Mar and Pardall Road. The officer also observed her nearly fall to the ground after attempting to place her purse on a nearby table.

Not having sensed any seismic disturbances in the area that would have caused the woman to lose her balance, the officer approached her for identification. The woman began removing articles from her purse, one by one. The officer did not stop her when she placed her driver’s license on the table and continued to look for identification. She handed him her ATM card.

The woman said she lived on Del Playa Drive. When the officer asked where she was coming from, she slurred something the officer interpreted as “city hall.” The officer repeated the question, and the woman shouted “The Study Hall,” where she said she had three drinks.

The woman was arrested and taken to the IVFP station to record her pertinent information. Upon being asked how long she had lived at her home address, she replied, “Since the summer of ’66.” An unexpected answer, as she had already stated that she was born in 1981.

During the ride to the Santa Barbara County Jail, the woman cried. “All I did was get drunk at The Study Hall, and you think that’s a reason to arrest me?” she said. She also said her parents would disown her because she had gotten arrested.

Little Orphan Annie spent the night in jail, where she may have found a new kind of mother figure to keep her company.

Nijinsky He’s Not

Monday, Jan. 6, at 11:35 p.m.: A pair of IVFP officers on the 6600 block of DP noticed an 18-year-old man stumbling around the front yard of one of the homes with noticeably less grace than a sober person.

To investigate if his decidedly un-ballet-like movements were part of a happy drunk-man dance, the officers approached the young man and asked if he knew where he was. He replied he was at 4462 DP, an address that – if it existed – would have placed him somewhere in the Pacific Ocean off the east end of campus. Not-a-Ballerina said he wanted to go home, but refused to say where his house was.

Believing the man to be too intoxicated, he was directed to the ground, arrested and taken to the police station. There, he gave the officer taking down his information three different birth dates, leading the officer to believe he was perhaps fibbing. “You don’t understand,” he told the officer. “I’m 21 years old and I was born on June 25, 1981.” When this information did not match the Santa Barbara Sheriff’s Office records, Not-a-Ballerina laughed, saying, “Yeah, you’re doing a fine job.” It was a wise course of action, because laughing at a police officer is the best way to make an infraction of the law less heinous.

Not-a-Ballerina was booked at Santa Barbara County Jail for public intoxication, where he could work on a gazelle-like strut.

– Compiled from the Isla Vista Foot Patrol reports by Drew Mackie