Chickens in the Dark

Thursday, Nov. 21, at 2:15 a.m.: While patrolling the 6500 block of Del Playa Drive, Isla Vista Foot Patrol officers noted a 26-year-old man carrying what appeared to be bags of frozen chicken.

Since one does not usually transport frozen goods in the wee hours of the morning, the officers approached the man and asked him why he was carrying so much food. “It’s kind of a joke,” the Midnight Chicken Stealer said. “They took some of our food so we took theirs. It was probably stupid.”

“Probably”? Come on, dude. You were carrying frozen chickens at 2 a.m.

The officers asked the Midnight Chicken Stealer to return the chickens to the 6500 block DP residence from which he stole them. Upon the officer’s inquiry as to which resident the Midnight Chicken Stealer knew, he said he knew “Sarah.” Inside the house, a list of the residents only revealed a “Siarra.”

The officers woke two of the residents and asked them if they knew the man; both women said they did not.

The officer handcuffed the Midnight Chicken Stealer and arrested him for burglary.

Later, the resident identified as “Siarra” said she knew the Midnight Chicken Stealer through a friend. The other residents said they did not care about the loss of their frozen food as much as having someone illegally enter their house.

When the officesr finally contacted the friend of the Midnight Chicken Stealer who also knew the residents of the burglarized house, he said he was surprised the reported thief would have stolen the food because he had $200 in his wallet.

Home Sweet Gnome

Friday, Nov. 22, at 4:45 a.m.: An IVFP officer found an 18-year-old man passed out in the garden outside an apartment building on the 6500 block of Sabado Tarde Road.

When the officer woke the man and asked him where he lived, the man responded, “Here.” Smartly realizing the man was not a garden gnome, the officer asked what his address was. Not-a-Garden Gnome replied that he was a resident at the idyllic but likely fictional “22652 Quiet Place.”

Noting a strong scent of alcohol and an unsteady balance, the officer took Not-a-Garden Gnome to Santa Barbara County Jail for drinking too much gnome ale.

The Best Cough Drop Ever

Saturday, Nov. 23, at 10:45 p.m.: IVFP officers on the 6500 block of Sabado Tarde noted a 22-year-old woman standing in the street with an open can of Budweiser. In I.V., such an activity is about as likely to attract police attention as affixing a neon “Arrest Me, Please” sign above one’s head.

Officers, following the flashing beacon of an open container, approached the woman. They asked to see her identification, which she said she left with a friend. As one officer questioned the woman, the other checked her purse to see if she had somehow missed her ID. While he didn’t find an ID, he did find a throat lozenge case filled with a 1.5-inch portion of a plastic pen, some foil and a yellowish rock the officer believed to be coke. One wonders which pharmacy sells this particular brand of sore throat relief.

“Cokie Roberts” was detained by police and then released pending an investigation.

God Knows What She’ll Do When She Turns 21

Sunday, Nov. 24, at 12:13 a.m.: Famed playwright William Shakespeare died on his birthday. Most people would agree dying is the lousiest birthday activity ever, but one I.V. resident who survived her birthday proved one can survive and still have a crummy cumplea