Ladies and Gentlemen, the Winner of Mr. Glamorous I.V. 2002!

Friday, Sept. 4: An Isla Vista Foot Patrol officer patrolling the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive approached an 18-year-old man sitting in the area behind a private residence. The officer found the subject unresponsive to questions and seated in feces. The incident report did not specify whether the feces were the subject’s or the product of some third party.

The subject was pulled from his life of elegance and taken to Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed pending sobriety and steam-cleaning.

Readers should also understand that the forms officers fill out when documenting a public intoxication arrest list the most common adjectives used to describe folks in a drunken state. For this particular subject, nearly all the possible boxes were checked, including “bloodshot,” “slurred,” “mussed,” and “soiled.” It’s a great vocabulary building exercise.

The First Time is Always the Best

Saturday, Sept. 5, 12:15 a.m.: An IVFP officer saw a 19-year-old man vomiting over the rail of the beach access stairs at the corner of Del Playa Drive and Camino Pescadero.

Upon being approached by the officer, the subject said he was on his way home and there was “no problem.” The officer, cleverly deducing that the fellow’s route home probably did not involve having to vomit off beach access stairs, noted the telltale signs of alcohol intoxication: slurred speech, glassy eyes and an open fly.

At this point, the subject began to whine.

“Please don’t give me an MIP,” he said. “This is the first time I’ve ever gone drinking and look what happens to me.”

The subject admitted he had consumed six shots, which was “more than he usually drinks.”

He was provided with luxury accommodation in the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he could reflect on his magical night of firsts.

Land of the Lost

Saturday, Sept. 5, 1:02 a.m.: An IVFP officer observed a 19-year-old man on the 6500 block of Del Playa Drive walk into a parked car, bounce off and then stumble about 10 feet.

The officer approached the young man and asked him where he was going. The subject, who managed to slur that he was heading to Francisco Torres, although he could not identify the direction that FT was located.

“I am really terrible with directions,” he told officers, who noticed a strong odor of alcohol.

When the officer asked the subject how old he was, he said he was 23 years old – although later admitted that he was only 19. Apparently, he’s damn lousy with numbers too.

He was transported to Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed pending sobriety. Hopefully, when he was released somebody pointed out the direction of the two big towers.

Convenient Amnesia

Sunday, Sept. 6, 1:26 a.m.: IVFP officers patrolling the 6500 block of block of Del Playa Drive observed a fight between two men. Officers broke up the fight and questioned them separately regarding what led up to the incident.

The first subject, a 24-year-old man, said the altercation began when a passer-by asked his girlfriend what she was doing that night. He said the high level of “intoxication and testosterone” surging through his body caused him to become angry. Although he remembered being punched and kicked, he could not remember if he had punched or kicked anyone.

When officers talked to the second subject, a 21-year-old man, he also, amazingly, did not remember striking anyone, only defending himself from another’s furious blows.

Both men were arrested for fighting in public and taken to Santa Barbara County Jail, where one can learn about a whole new kind of surging testosterone. But don’t ask them about it, they probably don’t remember that either.

– Compiled by Drew Mackie from the Isla Vista Foot Patrol reports