Foot Patrol, Not Penis Patrol

Friday, April 26, 1:15 a.m.: A man walked into the Isla Vista Foot Patrol Station with a portion of his penis stuck in his zipper. Despite several attempts to free himself, he could not be released from the grips of the zipper’s teeth. So, he decided he needed the help of our local law enforcement.

A deputy said the penis patient’s friends tried (as good friends would) to get him drunk and then save him with one swift yank.

The officers, who knew it was not their duty to serve in this situation, called Rescue 7. The paramedics were able to unzip the pants without injuring the subject, who was “very happy” with the outcome.

Ooh, Ooh, Pick Me

Friday, April 26, 2:50 a.m.: I.V. Foot Patrol officers not on foot were patrolling the 6600 block of Sabado Tarde Road when a 20-year-old man ran toward the patrol car.

The suspect began jumping up and down and was waving his hands in the air. Because he basically did everything but ask to get arrested for being drunk in public, the officers stopped the car and got out to approach the suspect.

The suspect looked at the officers and yelled, “Fuck yeah! Woo-hoo!” and ran along the side of a parked car, where he slipped and fell. The man who was so excited about being wasted must have realized he was in trouble because he decided to play a little hide and seek.

Tag, you’re it, and now you have to spend the night in jail.

Dysfunctional Family, Functional Urethra

Saturday, April 27, 11:32 p.m.: Officers patrolling the 6500 block of Del Playa Drive saw two men walking south toward the beach access, which in this town can only mean one of two things.

The officers followed the men and saw them “standing in a straddle stance with their hands in the groin area.” The officers, as if they needed more confirmation, saw a stream of urine.

One of the suspects turned and looked at the officers, shrugged and kept urinating, probably realizing that there was no stopping the “pint and a few beers” he told the officers he drank.

He also told the officers he was “just having fun with his cousin,” but he later called the same man his “uncle.” Hmm … interesting.

The cousin/nephew spent the night in jail, away from his cousin/uncle. The 24-year-old man was proud to note, “I may be intoxicated, but at least I’m legal to drink.”

Who Actually Says “Horseplaying”?

Friday, April 26, 10:59 p.m.: Officers patrolling the 6500 block of Madrid Road saw a 20-year-old man sporting the I.V. strut, staggering, slipping and swaying. The officers said they saw him “horseplaying” with another male in the middle of the road — which is the only place to horseplay, if you ask me.

He was asked to change his behavior, but being the independent I.V. drunk, he said, “Don’t worry, I can make it home without you.” The officers thanked him for his graciousness by taking him to jail anyway.

– Ladan Moeenziai