Like hell, “diamonds are a girl’s best friend.”

They’re too hard, too expensive, and if you try to cuddle them, they’ll scratch you. Women deserve a best friend that they can cuddle, that will be there whenever they need it, and that won’t cost her an arm and a leg.

The dildo – a girl’s real best friend – comes in a variety of shapes, styles and forms, from the basic almost-a-plastic-cucumber model to the flashy “pearl” vibrator with rabbit attachment. Determining which one is right for you depends on your own personal needs and the size of your pocketbook – dildos can run from under $20 to over $200.

This, of course, can be a rather intimidating experience, especially if you’re naturally shy and it’s your first time. Don’t be afraid; this phallic-shaped object is your friend-to-be, not an embarrassment. You don’t want to stick just anything up inside of you. You want a work of art.

The basic model is generally a slim, plastic tapered shaft, sort of like a tall, thick candle, but smoother. This is also generally the cheapest you’ll find in the sex toy department.

The next step up is usually the hard plastic “penises.” They look like a penis, they’re ridged like a penis, and if you go dildo shopping with your boyfriend, they’re probably the first ones he’ll look at. For reasons unknown (at least, to me) men have an odd fascination with things that look like their own equipment but are thicker and longer.

This, perhaps, accounts for the 13-inch “thunder sticks” that almost every adult store is equipped with. Ow.

What you probably want for yourself is something a little slimmer and more discreet. The dildos made of “jelly” – basically a soft, plastic, gently yielding substance – are among the more popular models, especially when shaped with gentle ridges and equipped with a vibrator.

“Pearl” vibrators are usually made from this jelly material, with pearl-like ridges running around the shaft at a point where, presumably, they would most stimulate the “sensitive entrance to the woman’s vagina.” These models also usually have a strange projecting attachment, often called a “bunny” or a “dolphin” (and shaped as such) that is intended to stimulate the clitoris as it vibrates.

If, on the other hand, you’re in the market for something a little more … designer, maybe Pyrex dildos are for you. Smooth as silk and purportedly unbreakable, they’re beautiful works of art. Unfortunately, they also cost as much as a work of art (around $200 a piece), so unless you can afford to splurge, you might want to stick with cheaper models.

You might try the religiously inspired (and extremely offensive) line from Divine Interventions (www.divine-interventions.com). For about $60, you can have the Buddha bring you to a pleasurable enlightenment, the devil tease you into an uncontrollable release of passions, or the Virgin Mary stimulate you into a higher level of ecstasy. I shit you not – this company includes such blasphemous figures as the Grim Reaper, Judas and “Jackhammer Jesus,” all posing as usable silicon dildos. Don’t even ask me about the Baby Jesus Butt Plug.

Choosing the right “best friend” for you is a tricky business, but if you go about it the right way, you’re sure to be satisfied. Don’t be afraid to try different things – you never know what you’ll like.

Daily Nexus features editor Sarah Kent fell in love with the Pyrex dildos in San Diego, and is now saving up to buy one. Send her your sex questions, comments and ideas to : opinion@dailynexus.com