Editor’s Note: This story is from the April Fool’s issue of the Daily Nexus.

They are the unappreciated places of Isla Vista, but at the same time, the most appreciated. That may seem like an oxymoron, but by God, vague metaphors make good journalism. These abused spots are the old, the used, the historic sites of I.V. that everyone visits without recognizing the damage they inflict.

The fence behind Pi Kappa Alpha is bleached due to the locale’s popularity as a public urinal. The petrified fecal stalagmites at Dog Shit Park are eroded due to the horny romps and rolls of I.V. residents. Save the Cesspools, a local activist group, has been fighting for the preservation of these historic sites like bees on the first day of spring.

“Beer is the problem. It leads to the two evil -ations: urination and fornication,” activist Ivana Annoyu said.

Lay of the Lake Annoyu said that funding is the key. With extra dollars, the Isla Vista Recreation and Parks District will be able to fund educational tools like signs that say “Pissing Hurts those You Love” or “Dry Humping for Dogs Only.” The IVRPD would also use cattle prods to “teach” residents where they shouldn’t go.