Editor’s Note: This story is from the April Fool’s issue of the Daily Nexus.

Delta fraternity member Guppy Ventriloquay attempted and failed a dunk on a nine foot, seven inch rim on the Rob Gym basketball outdoor courts, continuing the long-standing tradition of ineptitude by the fraternity.

The junior family studies major failed on all three of his attempts. Mr. Ventriloquay blamed his shortcomings on severe athlete’s foot, a screaming in his head and a strange, yellowish-orange fungus that he claimed was gradually overtaking his goatee.

“I was starting to see some spots in the mountains and thought there was a monster screaming at me to put on a proper amount of foot and hand cream,” Mr. Ventriloquay said. “Plus, there were no, like, chicks around to revel in my prolific conquest of the game of basketball.”

Former member and current Senator of North Dakota John Blutarsky was in attendance. Bluto, as his colleagues knew Mr. Senator, was infamous for throwing toga parties, betting on beer bobbing competitions of Milwaukee’s Best brews and spelunking in the Potomac River.

When asked what Mr. Ventriloquay should do after the dunk, Bluto blurted out and started a chant of “Toga! Toga! Toga!” before passing out with other former members, Bob Curtain and Snad Tad.

“It was a beautiful scene,” Mr. Tad said, referring to the plastered Bluto and not the dunk.