You can smell the impending orgy of sex and chocolate in the air already. Valentine’s Day’s a-comin’.

For many of us, this day means one of two things: For those who are going to be single this February 14 (such as myself, since my boyfriend’s an out-of-towner with a real job), the day is unending torture. There’s so much happy-sappy lovey-dovey that it makes one want to rip out the larynxes of anyone who mutters so much as a sweet nothing into the ear of a loved one. It’s a day devoted to making us feel miserable and lonely and unloved.

This column is not dedicated to these lonely people. Sorry.

Those “lucky” enough to have someone to hold and snuggle and be cutesy with (such as my co-editor, whose girlfriend is an in-towner) get to see V-Day as the perfect excuse to take off from work a little early, go have a nice dinner and get laid.

Speaking of which, it’s probably a good idea at this point to remind us all that the “V” in “V-Day” doesn’t just refer to Valentine. Some liken the “V” to meaning “vagina,” admittedly an important piece of anatomy for a day such as tomorrow. Hell, most stuff stashed between a woman’s legs is pretty important to the sex part of “V-Day,” so we might as well pay a little attention to it.

Men, this column is dedicated to you figuring out how the hell to make your woman scream in orgasmic ecstasy. Women, maybe this column will help your man be a little less clumsy, or at least help you make yourself feel a little better.

Starting with the basics: When you’re working your way to her genitals, you more or less meet up first with (besides the fuzz, unless she shaves/waxes) the labia majora, which are the big “lips” that protect most of the soft, delicate bits from the outside world. Open these little doors, and you’ve opened up a whole new, tiny, sensitive little world.

Once you’ve spread the labia majora, you come across a thinner, more delicate set of lips, the labia minora. These cover the urethra and the vaginal opening, which is located more or less just above the bottom joining of these lips. You’ll probably want to keep this opening in mind, since it’s a great place to toy with, and is where you’ll probably end up sticking the penis into.

Above the labia minora, at the top joining of the labia majora, is the clitoris. If you’re feeling and not looking, slide your fingers between the labia majora and gently up until you hit upon the little nub, the glans of the clitoris, which, if you’ve been doing things right, is most likely a little swollen and throbbing. Just above this nub, the clitoral shaft, which is the extension of the clitoris underneath the labia, should also be swollen, and able to be sensed as a lump.

Rubbing the glans and, for some, the shaft, is highly stimulating, but the way you rub it, and where exactly, varies from woman to woman. Allow her hands to guide you, and pay attention to her responses as you fondle, caress or lick.

Back to the vagina. A few inches within this dark passage is the mysterious point known as the Grafenberg spot, or “G-spot.” According to studies, some women stimulated in this spot have been known experience deeper, more intense orgasms than normal.

After making sure that she’s first voided her bladder, using two fingers inserted into the vagina and pressure applied to the upper wall, near where the urethra meets the bladder, should stimulate a smallish lump -about the size of a small almond – to swell up. If you do it right, she should be squirming and groaning away. Bring her to orgasm, and she may ejaculate some fluid from her urethra – don’t worry, it’s not pee.

While this isn’t everything there is to know about how to make a woman happy, it’s a good basic start. But please, don’t try this stuff out in public, and keep your gooshy love-talk to a minimum tomorrow while the rest of us are suffering in silence. I think you want to keep your larynx.

Daily Nexus opinion editor Sarah Kent and her clitoris are on good terms this week. She’s going to try and get in touch with her g-spot this weekend. In the meantime, send her your sex questions and comments to .