The Los Angeles Lakers’ Shaquille O’Neal versus the Chicago Bulls’ Brad Miller, live at the Mandalay Bay Casino. Charles Oakley, the joker in this volatile mix, plans on backing Miller up with a folding chair and right forearm to boot.
I can see the headlining event now: Shaq Stacked versus the Bull Pack. Smells like another Chicago victory, with Big Aristotle on the ground counting his brain cells away. I think, I think not.
And I can see the card fights now too: an eating contest between Charles Barkley and Arizona Cardinals kicker, Bill Gramatica. Barkley, who scarfed down his trainer as an hors d’oeuvre an hour before the opening bell and washed him down with a gallon of jungle juice, can barely fit a hazelnut down his throat.
Gramatica senses victory. The elated Argentine then jumps up from the dining table and skips to his lue before tearing his other ACL. Ho-hum.
To add insult to injury, guest analyst Jeff Van Gundy quits while Gramatica is sprawling in guttural pain on the parquet. The shitweasel tells his listeners that he plans on hibernating in the hills of Manchuria to acquire a keener sensibility of Zen philosophy.
Then, he’ll join Phil Jackson on the Laker bench where he’ll plan on a plastic surgeon carving him into a more well-groomed, aristocratic shitweasel. Van Gundy will end up looking like a turd with two whiskers and a double chin on a hotplate. Phil will feed him saltines, keep him in a cage and talk to him only by quoting Caddyshack.
And we haven’t even seen the Cleveland Browns’ fans throwing bottles at George O’Leary and Randy Moss during the halftime special. Since they’ll be working with each other, they immediately form a special bond. O’Leary tells Moss he’s coached Red Grange. Moss tells O’Leary to kiss his ass.
Just after the halftime ceremony honoring Jim Mora’s illustrious playoff history goes bunk, the Chicago Bears’ Super Bowl XX Championship team trots on center stage to perform the “Super Bowl Shuffle.” It’s not the same without Sweetness, but the 2001-02 version of the Bears will make everyone remember again.
Two hours and a sonic jet catapult later, history repeats itself: Da Bears mutilate the New England Patriots 128-3 in New Orleans, again.
Keith Traylor tips Tom Brady’s pass at the Bear 1 and returns it in dazzling fashion 99 yards for the game’s first touchdown. Traylor, celebrating the touchdown with a funky shimmy, realizes Coach Dick Jauron has gone bald in the time it has taken Traylor to run from one end zone to the other. Traylor’s grandkid just signed with the Bears’ practice squad, and Jim Miller has reinvented the sundial.
Traylor is named co-MVP with Brian Urlacher, who records a playoff record nine sacks. Walter Payton is seen in Traylor’s vision after the game (remember, this guy needs a tank of oxygen after that long hike), eating slabs of ribs with the Super Fans. Chris Farley is there too, giving everybody high fives.
And finally, after hours of eager anticipation, the title match is set and ready to go. Shaq greets Miller at center ring. Shaq misses his first punch; Miller laughs at the Big Doofus before both Oak and Miller beat the living crap out of the beleaguered center.
Convincing Shaq to stay in the NBA, Michael Jordan trades himself to L.A. for Kobe Bryant. Jordan subsequently trades himself again with Shaq to the Chicago Bulls for GM Jerry Krause and a bag of Cracker Jacks.
Kisses and hugs for everyone. Jordan and Shaq never lose another game in their careers and nice-guy Bill Cartwright is hailed as the greatest coach of all-time. Ten NBA titles and five Super Bowl rings later for Chicago, the Cubs finally win a World Series. Game, that is. You don’t think they’d actually win the whole thing, do you?