Q: How much wood would Associated Students President Brian Hampton chuck if Associated Students President Brian Hampton could chuck wood?

A: Associated Students President Brian Hampton is looking very seriously into the possibility of someday chucking wood and expects to have a plan for chucking wood at some later date.

When Hampton ran for president last spring, he started the Gauchoholic party and trademarked the name. (For those of you not up on our school’s proud history, “Gauchoholic” was the name for the sports-boosting Gaucho Locos before the administration decided that was entirely the wrong sort of message to send about a school full of drunks.) The ‘holics ran on a “12-step” platform – a collection of fallacies, absurdities and bad jokes – that small children could see through. UCSB students didn’t.

So what, if any, promises has Hampton fulfilled?

First, the head ‘holic promised to listen to students “like Dubya listens to Dick Cheney.” Hampton has followed through on this like a champ: He’s answered all my questions with blank stares and mangled sentences.

That’s the only promise he’s lived up to.

Hampton promised more blue light phones, left-handed desks, grass (not the really fun kind) and more parking. How many more phones, desks, lawns and spaces are there?

“So far,” Hampton told me, “zero.”

Score one for honesty, though.

However, Hampton loses 8,726,400; which is roughly the number of times I could say, “Vote Gauchoholics,” since he was elected. Hampton promised in his platform that the Broida Expressway, a long-delayed bike path between Engineering I and the library, would be “done faster than you could say ‘Vote Gauchoholics.'” Hampton now says the expressway may be done next summer, which would require a serious speech impediment.

Hampton also said he’d cut student fees “because a quality government shouldn’t cost more than a quality six pack.” A really good six pack costs $7 and change, and student fees cost about $46 and change per quarter. Hampton says fees are not going down, which leads to the question: What kind of beer are they drinking?

In the spring, he promised to make Dead Week truly a quiet week for studying. Last night, he told me to wait ’til this Dead Week, when I’ll be “quite impressed.”

Then he looked up at the ceiling. I’m guessing he didn’t talk to any professors, which might explain why he wasn’t able to live up to his promise to “understand all languages from Greek to Spanish to Jock.”

I asked him to translate “semper ubi sub ubi” from Greek to English for me.

“While I myself may not be able translate that phrase,” Hampton said, “uh, I’m sure that as a council we could take care of that.”

No points for committees, Brian, and “always wear underwear.”

Especially sound advice since this summer, when the university extended its authority to students’ off-campus actions. Hampton never pledged to stop that, though he promised to fight the non-issue of party registration. You’ve gotta fight for your right to party – unless, you know, it requires fighting.

Hampton also promised he’d stop Tidal Wave II – the massive influx of new UC students – from washing students out. This is something the Hamp-ster has about as much control over as he has over anything, which is to say he has no control. If he wants to keep the school from being overrun, he should take an active role in repelling new students. I suggest he send every UC applicant an autographed picture of himself, emblazoned with the final Gauchoholic pledge: “I’m addicted to YOU!”

If that doesn’t send ’em scurrying to Merced, what will?

Well, maybe the fact that Hampton gets free tuition.