“It should be illegal for stupid people to buy chalk!”

– a Nexus editor

Civil Rights are evaporating fast and I’m tempted to agree with an unconstitutional amendment. Campus would be much less annoying if we flogged every half-assed activist chalking dumb sidewalk slogans.

Each morning I tread to class over pathetic attempts at world peace and justice for all. Each time I stop, look down, and hope for something insightful, witty or smart. Then I read, “War is not patiotism.”

Jesus Christ on a fucking cross! Where’s the “r”!? This isn’t a fourth-grade spelling bee.

Another slogan – this one guaranteed to bring all the dead Indians and buffalo back from the grave: “Celebrate Eurocentrism. Rush KKK. Knights of Columbus.”

What happened to old-fashioned pamphleteering? At least you could throw them away. The only way to undo the stupidity of sidewalk activism is gallons of spit. Campaign Sidewalk Chalk 2001 points to a really lame tendency amongst professors and students alike: that of preaching to the choir. The rationale goes something like: “Hey, I go to school with people more intelligent than half of Americans, I should bug them with mini-lessons on tolerance and the futility of war! That’ll put food in Afghan children’s mouths. That’ll eradicate a hundred million tons of nuclear gunpowder left over from the Cold War! How come no one thought of this first?! Time to call Mom and ask for chalk money!”

Tagging a liberal institution is for chickenshits. Take your dove droppings to the trough of Middle America and see how long they practice ‘excellence and diversity.’ Tell the guys picking up body parts in New York that “bombs work like boomerangs.”

“See! It’s clever! Bombs- boomerangs – get it? Get it?”

Yes, we get it – raging against your personal futility is easier than calling Mom and trying to talk her out of supporting the apocalypse. We understand. You’re lazy and lame. As lame as I.V. drunks who’ve replaced the “Hey-You-Slut!” balcony chant with “U-S-A!” But not as completely lame as the people protesting Columbus Day with, “This is Chumash land.”

Correction, kiddies. This was Chumash land. Now we name parks and streets for them.

Some would say my fervor is extreme and unpardonable, but they are the lucky ones. They can tune out stupid slogans, drunken chants and ad infomercials. I have a genetic affinity for all symbols. I must read everything – even stuff I hate. It is my mortal flaw.

This week’s column is simply a call for creativity. Whether you want bin Laden’s head on a pike, or George W. castrated and forced to eat his own cabinet member – use the frontal lobes when pitching an agenda. War is a great time for culture and art. Mortal danger has a long history of making people really inventive.

War tolerance requires horror at a distance, so put those starving Iraqi kids on the sidewalk. Chalk explosions in massive red and black murals. I want to see pacifist art on par with Picasso’s Guernica.

Show pedestrians the skull of Intolerance as it leers over a nation wracked with fear and loathing. Show them fire and brimstone and the Devil’s testes teabagging yet another foreign land.

Be Dove.

Be Hawk.

But for Allah’s sake, don’t be so goddamned uncreative.

Existence Critic and Daily Friday Editor David Downs makes the world a better place here on the Opinions page, every Wednesday.