• A field full of multi-colored tulips to the Art Studio kids and their annual freak show, especially the human meatballs in a kiddy pool full of spaghetti.
  • Necrotic turds to the professors who test and assign work during “Dead Week” (so called because they must be trying to kill us).
  • Blossoming, springtime tulips to UCSB’s gardeners for making our campus beautiful.
  • Lumpy, dented turds to Associated Students Program Board for wrecking the intramural soccer field with Extravaganza, thereby ending the intramural season a week early. Program Board gets an extra helping of turds for its lineup of has-been and never-will-be-again acts.
  • Sensibly priced tulips to the school for providing summer session units to UCSB students at a dirt-cheap price.
  • A load of wrinkled, half-dry turds to the pick-up owning thief who stole a dryer from 6597 Sabado, robbing Nexus eremites Tony Biasotti and Gretchen Macchiarella of their clothes.
  • A sloppy turd to the Santa Barbara News-Press for saying the dryer was stolen from a Laundromat. The News-Press gets an even sloppier turd for reporting, idiotically, that David Attias tried to kill himself in jail by swallowing ten ibuprofen pills.
  • Adoring tulips to the Weatherfans for buying the Weatherbook and making the Weatherhuman’s wet dreams of profit come true.
  • One scoop each of turds and tulips to the Los Angeles Lakers for being such a good team that the NBA finals will be dull and short.
  • Small, dainty turds to A.S. for sipping at their beers during the Nexus v. A.S. sloshball game. Although A.S. won 7-1, Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle would be disappointed.
  • Brilliant tulips to IVTV for filming A.S. President Brian Hampton in a state of drunkenness somewhere between “blitzed” and “trashed.” Tulips also to Hampton for demonstrating why he holds the copyright on “Gauchoholics.”
  • Constipated, left-behind turds to the university for neglecting its students on a number of issues, such as fire safety and incorporation in the Goleta cityhood proposal.
  • Easy-to-reach tulips to the A.S. Commission on Disability Access for its hard work and for making the phrase “increase access” mean something.
  • An invincible tulip to 2000-2001 Daily Nexus Editor in Chief Ted Andersen, who made us all love our jobs while working us like amphetamine-crazed donkeys. Extra showers of flowers to Ted for not killing one of us.
  • Sharp-edged turds to whoever put up the “Free David Attias” signs.
  • Gigantic tulips to this year’s graduating class, who swelled this issue of the Daily Nexus to 52 pages – large enough to kill a house rat. To read graduates’ names, turn to pages 1B through 28B.
  • An infestation of turds upon Isla Vista landlords who don’t get rid of house rats. You know who you are.
  • Lastly, mournful white lilies to the young lives lost this last year: Dave Lindsay, Patrick Wen Tsu Hsu, Miyaka Geh, Christopher Divis, Nicholas Bourdakis, Ruth Levy, Elie Israel, Clint McDonnell, Timothy Baptista and Greg D’Amico.
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